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| A Funny Look at the Democrats Running for President Kerry: Seconds from Finish Line |
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It has been a year now since Al Gore appeared in a bathtub with Joe Lieberman and announced that he will not be a candidate for re-election as President of the United States. Being elected president, Gore believes, is almost more fun than actually serving. In the past year, 11 candidates have competed for the golden ring and whatever else they can pawn for the campaign kitty that will oppose Karl Rove’s diamond mine. As the Iowa Caucuses approach, we will take a biased, hopefully humorous look at the leading potential Bushwhackers to see which candidate can take on a solid display of presidential leadership such as the loss of three million jobs, making US foreign policy the joke of the world, and misunderestimating the survival skills of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Today, Senator John Kerry.
What more can Americans ask for in a presidential candidate than a tall, dark and courageous US Senator from Massachusetts who can decorate his house with more color on Veterans Day than George W. Bush can decorate the White House on President’s Day. Unlike certain other Massachusetts politicians, Kerry has never been photographed driving a tank. As a US Navy veteran with numerous Purple Hearts and a Silver Star, Kerry can find the jungles of Vietnam on a map, unlike some Air Force Reserve pilots who can’t find their way back to an Alabama base. Being married to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, assures Kerry that he can
fight the Karl Rove money engravers, one Freedom Fry at a time. Serving
as junior senator from Massachusetts means he is in earshot of motivational
wisdom like “ask what you can do for your country.” Kerry, it seems was asleep at the wheel in 2002, when the idea of running for President first hit him. Kerry assumed that being a highly decorated, disabled veteran of Vietnam could shield a candidate from cries of being the anti-patriot. That apparently was true back in the good old days when California governors were elected to four-year terms, Congressional Redistricting in Texas was done once every ten years, and only felons — not every black person — were barred from voting. Senator Kerry, that’s former Georgia US Senator Max Cleland on line one…. Senator Kerry was apparently somewhere in the jungles of Vietnam, when the US Congress voted for President Johnson’s Gulf of Tonkin resolution — which wrote a blank check for the then-President’s Vietnam policy. Why else would someone who says he learned the lessons of Vietnam vote to give a blank check on Iraq to someone who believes that creativity is grown on yellow cakes from Niger. A year ago, the nation’s popular press awarded New Hampshire’s four electoral votes Sen. Kerry purely based on his Massachusetts roots. That should have been a sign to Kerry and the rest of the world. Being from Massachusetts is a liability for anyone campaigning in New Hampshire. Anyone who has lived in Northern New England — Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont — can tell you that Massachusetts folks are not to be trusted. For every Massachusetts hunter who found himself in the snows of New Hampshire in search of a deer and then hauls back a cow with a deer tag, there are Northern New Englanders who will tag Massachusetts residents with a single-finger salute. They would rather vote for a Vermont politician who performs gay marriages and drives a pickup truck with a confederate flag. |
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Being
second has worked well for Avis Rent-A-Car. Being second worked very well
for George W. Bush in 2000. John Kerry hopes he too will lead in being
second. He is after all the second most-famous senator from Massachusetts.
He is the second most popular Democratic presidential candidate in New
England, and he is second in line to the Heinz ketchup fortune.