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 The
108th Congress gathers January 6, in Washington, DC, at what will soon
be renamed the Capitol Hill Country Club in honor of the GOP majority
in both houses.
The Justice Department is expected to introduce
new legislation to expand the invasive Patriot Act that led to the
2002 Super Bowl victory by the New England football team and the jailing
of the entire Harvard and Stanford Political Science departments at
an undisclosed location.
The Justice Department is expected to introduce
new legislation to expand the invasive Patriot Act that led to the
2002 Super Bowl victory by the New England football team and the jailing
of the entire Harvard and Stanford Political Science departments at
an undisclosed location. |
Remaining Democrats have been assigned to run the elevators,
offer assistance to visitors and make tea for the GOP leadership. "I
don't really mind surrendering my $100,0000 office allowance to the Republicans,
" one Democratic house member volunteered, "I just love the
new Democrats-only water fountains we got in return."
Unlike previous years, when Congress was divided by separatist
issues, a new unity is expected to prevail in this year's session. Bush
administration mandates and appointments are expected to be on the fast
track not seen since the post-September 11 rush to end terrorism and the
Bill of Rights.
The Justice Department is expected to introduce new legislation to expand
the invasive Patriot Act that led to the 2002 Super Bowl victory by the
New England football team and the jailing of the entire Harvard and Stanford
Political Science departments at an undisclosed location. "In view
of the Patriot's failure to return to the playoffs this year, we must
strengthen the Patriot Act, "Attorney General John Ashcroft told
reporters.
Provisions of the Super-Patriot Act require that:
- All Americans must wear clean underwear every day,
and it must be worn externally to assist inspectors in their daily searches
- Secret ballots and anonymous polling will become a
thing of the past, as voters will be asked to state their ballot preference
by sewing the names of candidates they support on the visible side of
their underwear.
- A complete log of every American's daily Internet activity
will be automatically sent to Fox Broadcasting for public viewing as
part of a new reality series called "The Terrorist Next Door."
Most Americans who have nothing to hide should have nothing
to worry about with the Super-Patriot Act, Justice Department officials
say. Months of inspection at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base have demonstrated
that terrorists are lax in changing their underwear. Ashcroft says too
much hostility has been focused on the underwear provisions of the bill.
"Your own mother probably warned you to wear clean underwear every
day, and you didn't object," he noted. "Just think of us as
the mother of all inspectors."
Meanwhile, other Bush administration initiatives are also expected to
have clear sailing through the new Congress. A bill to eliminate state
sales taxes on all purchases over $100,000 per year, and in exchange impose
a $3/gallon tax on purchases of baby formula and a $1/box tax on diapers
is expected to clear the legislative process quickly. As part of the Bush
faith-based initiatives, a new law will allow poor mothers to give birth
in roadside "mangers" instead of hospitals - just like the Christ
child!
Despite the conservative leanings of the 108th Congress, some right-wing
legislation still is expected to have a more challenging time becoming
law. Trent Lott's bill to make "driving while black" clearly
illegal under federal law is expected to suffer some fallout from the
former Majority Leader's controversial holiday season.
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