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congress swings to the rightThe 108th Congress gathers January 6, in Washington, DC, at what will soon be renamed the Capitol Hill Country Club in honor of the GOP majority in both houses.


The Justice Department is expected to introduce new legislation to expand the invasive Patriot Act that led to the 2002 Super Bowl victory by the New England football team and the jailing of the entire Harvard and Stanford Political Science departments at an undisclosed location.
The Justice Department is expected to introduce new legislation to expand the invasive Patriot Act that led to the 2002 Super Bowl victory by the New England football team and the jailing of the entire Harvard and Stanford Political Science departments at an undisclosed location.

Remaining Democrats have been assigned to run the elevators, offer assistance to visitors and make tea for the GOP leadership. "I don't really mind surrendering my $100,0000 office allowance to the Republicans, " one Democratic house member volunteered, "I just love the new Democrats-only water fountains we got in return."

Unlike previous years, when Congress was divided by separatist issues, a new unity is expected to prevail in this year's session. Bush administration mandates and appointments are expected to be on the fast track not seen since the post-September 11 rush to end terrorism and the Bill of Rights.


The Justice Department is expected to introduce new legislation to expand the invasive Patriot Act that led to the 2002 Super Bowl victory by the New England football team and the jailing of the entire Harvard and Stanford Political Science departments at an undisclosed location. "In view of the Patriot's failure to return to the playoffs this year, we must strengthen the Patriot Act, "Attorney General John Ashcroft told reporters.
Provisions of the Super-Patriot Act require that:

  • All Americans must wear clean underwear every day, and it must be worn externally to assist inspectors in their daily searches
  • Secret ballots and anonymous polling will become a thing of the past, as voters will be asked to state their ballot preference by sewing the names of candidates they support on the visible side of their underwear.
  • A complete log of every American's daily Internet activity will be automatically sent to Fox Broadcasting for public viewing as part of a new reality series called "The Terrorist Next Door."

Most Americans who have nothing to hide should have nothing to worry about with the Super-Patriot Act, Justice Department officials say. Months of inspection at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base have demonstrated that terrorists are lax in changing their underwear. Ashcroft says too much hostility has been focused on the underwear provisions of the bill. "Your own mother probably warned you to wear clean underwear every day, and you didn't object," he noted. "Just think of us as the mother of all inspectors."


Meanwhile, other Bush administration initiatives are also expected to have clear sailing through the new Congress. A bill to eliminate state sales taxes on all purchases over $100,000 per year, and in exchange impose a $3/gallon tax on purchases of baby formula and a $1/box tax on diapers is expected to clear the legislative process quickly. As part of the Bush faith-based initiatives, a new law will allow poor mothers to give birth in roadside "mangers" instead of hospitals - just like the Christ child!


Despite the conservative leanings of the 108th Congress, some right-wing legislation still is expected to have a more challenging time becoming law. Trent Lott's bill to make "driving while black" clearly illegal under federal law is expected to suffer some fallout from the former Majority Leader's controversial holiday season.


   

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