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Taking Liberties
Operation Enduring
Unconstitutionality |
 The
outcry of Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania regarding homosexuality
is nothing more than a cry for help from someone silently afflicted with
a severe case of human rights dysphoria. This condition generally reveals
itself to a small minority, but politically powerful individuals known
in common terms as “Republicans.”
Republicans once took great pride in themselves: “Republicans say
that government doesn’t work, and after they’re elected, they
prove it, “ says P. J. O’Rourke, an afflicted author who travels
in Republican circles.. Then came “Stonewalling” Richard Nixon’s
“Southern Strategy” that lit a fire under a thousand crosses
throughout Dixie. “I don’t care what they do in the privacy
of their own caucus room, “ one Democrat responded, “Why do
they have to parade their disgusting racism in public?
Senator Santorum has not yet achieved the full indignity of pointy-headed
bigotry exhibited by “out” and openly hating Republicans such
as Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott. However, Santorum is exhibiting all
the signs of a prospective hate developer trapped in the body of a Northeastern
conservative.
Republicans develop a keen sense of masking their inner bias for country
clubs sporting green grass and white people with an outward mantra assuring
the world of their compassion. In most cases, the bias is not actually
aimed at race, religion, or sexual orientation, but at the general belief
that targeted opposition groups lack the wealthy roots that rate Republicans
their social advantage. For instance, O J Simpson, a black man who is
believed by some to have engaged in such socially disfavored activities
as first-degree murder, has achieved widespread tolerance at country clubs
and Republican bastions throughout the US. As recently as this week, Mr.
Simpson has been awarded his very own reality television show that will
assure his continued survival among the wealthiest of Americans.
Republicans have been known to favor French words such as “entrepreneur”
while distancing themselves from the likes of French fries, toast or horns.
Xenophobia is a common symptom of a potential Republican in recent years,
as Republicans take offense not only at their natural prey among Democrats,
but anyone who exhibits a failure to fly an American flag as they consume
Iraqi oil in their bumper-sticker laden SUV.
The US Supreme Court is reportedly considering whether Republicanism can
be legally practiced within the safety of a “red state,” those
states won by Democrat Al Gore in 2000. Republicans feel that they should
have the right to do whatever they want in any state of the union, except
of course the District of Columbia where lying about sex is an impeachable
offense.
Some religious zealots have called for compassion in the treatment of
Republicans, noting that some practitioners such as Sen. Olympia Snowe
of Maine, while declared Republicans, attempt to disengage themselves
from actual Republican acts. “We must love the practitioner, while
hating the practice,” one fundamentalist independent noted.
Still, Democrats believe that practicing Republicans are not born that
way. They believe something in their upbringing brings them to unspeakable
acts such as demanding tax cuts during time of war. “Chances are
that Republicans suffered from a weak father that took them to country
clubs during an impressionable age and pressured alumni organizations
into placing them within an Ivy League college,” one Democrat insisted.
A rapidly growing trend believes that Republicans can ultimately be changed.
A “compassion” organization established deep in the piney
woods of Texas where the word “Republican” was once as rare
as the word “African American,” has developed the “Barry
Goldwater Enlightenment Center.” The Goldwater Center teaches impressionable
former Republicans that Universal Health Care is common across the world,
and not a signal that the world has gone soft. It teaches that human rights
are not special rights, and not subject to the will of the majority. The
Goldwater Center reminds Republicans of a time when the first Republican
President said “God must love poor people, because he made so many
of them.”
“We hope to have more than 500 graduates by 2004,” the director
of the Goldwater Center predicted. “That’s more than the margin
of victory in the 2000 presidential race.”
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