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In
the News
Bring 'em On!
Image courtesy of Wizard
of Whimsy
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“I believe for every drop of acid rain that falls, an environmentalist
burns…”
When George W. Bush says he is a believer, take him at
his words. Whether this means Bush talks directly to God, or if it means
that the Iraqi government really did have plans to buy uranium in Niger,
Bush is a man of his faith, says Dr. Woodrow “Woody” Shadenfreude
of the Baylor University Institute for Credulity, located not far from
Crawford, Texas.
“The young Bush is a product of his belief system,” Dr. Shadenfreude
revealed. Since a very young age, everything in which young Dubya believed
turned out just as he expected. If George or his daddy said it was true,
it was true!”
Dr. Shadenfreude said this had both good and bad consequences for young
George. “It sure helped make him very confident,” he said.
“It meant he could have any car he wanted, any girl he wanted and
any liquor he wanted — even in the dry parts of Texas.”
On the other hand, Dr. Shadenfreude said, this ability to believe in anything
he wished, did get Bush into trouble sometimes. “I remember the
first and only time, George ever was disappointed,” Dr. Shadenfreude
recalled.” His Mom and Dad— vacationing in Florida at the
time — called him in Midland when he was still in elementary school.
Apparently they had found a seahorse for young George.”
“George was very, very excited, “Dr. Shadenfreude continued.
“ A sea horse! This seahorse would need a barn in which he could
sleep and eat. This seahorse would need some food — whatever horses
eat! “
Shadenfreude looked a bright shade of white when he recalled Dubya’s
anger at recalling this story. “I believe that was the biggest disappointment
of his entire life… still is,” Shadenfreude said. “I
think that’s when he lost most of his compassion. He never looked
at another seahorse again. When he was told by the generals that took
over one of Saddam’s many palaces back in April that they were covered
in aquariums and sea horses, he knew again that his effort to oust Saddam
was righteous.
It took him a while, but George eventually got right back on his sea horse
and learned to believe. “His father became head of the CIA, after
all,” Dr. Shadenfreude recalled. “They were all about getting
information on evil doers, and wiping these evils off the face of the
earth, one axis at a time. When the CIA reported that Chilean President
Salvador Allendé had committed suicide with 17 self-inflicted gun
shot wounds, young George believed it. “
Young George refused to believe that there was no Santa Claus, Shadenfreude
explained. After all Santa Claus had managed not only helped him get into
Yale but he could go without bothering to study. In the same form, when
some of his friend who didn’t believe in Santa went off to Vietnam,
young George was able to stay out of harm’s way by preventing the
Viet Cong from infiltrating Texas. George fended off the Viet Cong so
well that he was able to monitor his situation from a bar near the Air
National Guard base for more than a year.
“George was constantly rewarded for his belief system, “Shadenfreude
recalled. “He had the faith to believe and life became a huge slot
machine that paid out far more than he invested.”
The win-win continued to Harken Energy, where unlike other stockholders
that may have their doubts and lost their fortunes, young George experienced
a return on his investment. It continued in Arlington, Texas where George
was able to convince the city that his Rangers baseball team would one
day achieve the fire and championship fever that would fill a multi-million
dollar ballpark and make money for the taxpayers.
“God was talking to young George by then,” Dr. Shadenfreude
seemed sure of his words. “God’s voice of course sounded an
awful lot like Dick Cheney. “
George said God’s voice told him to “praise Halliburton in
whatever way you can,” Shadenfreude remembered. “George believed
he could praise Halliburton by spiriting Cheney to join him in Washington
to experience ‘Poppy’s ‘second term and clean the stains
off the Oval Office carpet.
George apparently had lots of faith that it was his turn to win the election.
After all, his father had appointed a number of the Supreme Court justices
who had more to say about this election than mere voters. Some may have
believed that George had lost the election, but George and the Supreme
Court had faith.
Shadenfreude said if there was ever a day in which young George’s
faith was shaken, it was September 11, 2001. “Poppy never told him
that there might be people who might harm him,” Shadenfreude said.
“He turned his plane around and went right to his underground bunker
in Omaha, where he spent some of his Air National Guard days after some
thugs threatened to relieve him of his bag of pretzels. There he talked
to his spiritual advisor, Obe wan bin Laden.
The two conferred and Obe wan formulated a plan for young George to rid
the earth of the Satan Saddam. In return, Obe wan could go off into the
wilderness to look at Afghani postcards that would often feature young
Afghani women with their burquas slit open at the legs.
At long last, the word of God were obeyed and Halliburton lived happily
after. Even after it became clear to George that Saddam had never contemplated
a uranium deal in Niger, he maintained his faith. After all, there was
this member of the Nigerian royal family that had emailed young George
to share some of his ill-gotten fortune with the American President.
“That’s why he is not worried about the deficit in the US
budget, “Shadenfreude said. “The money should be in the US
Treasury before the next election.”
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