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In
the News
Setting God Straight
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July 6, 2003
Dear Poppy:
 “I’m
a Yankee Doodle Dandy, born on the Sixth of July….”
I guess I’ve got you and Mom to thank for being late. If you and
Mom had gotten your act together, I could have been a really great PATRIOTIC
American, born on the Fourth. But, no… you were probably too busy
helping Grandpa rebuild the German steel industry after the war.
Oh well, perhaps they’ll turn this into a three day holiday after
my face is carved into Mount Rushmore.
Speaking of carving, I really do appreciate that Segway you gave me. I’m
still trying to learn how to ride it here at Camp Kennebunkport, but it’s
a good thing I got rid of Christie Todd Whitman, the way I keep defoliating
the local shrubbery. But you know, if God wanted us to ride scooters,
he wouldn’t have given us rear-ends.
Karl Rove says if I learned to ride real good, I could roar in with group
of Hell’s Angels to Milwaukee in late August to the Harley Davidson
100th anniversary party. Think of it — the smell of the greasepaint,
the roar of the cycles and a splash in a blue state! This will kick more
butt than the air craft carrier! Maybe I should buy some chaps?
Speaking of chaps, what do you think of that Supreme Court decision? Apparently
the court believes that homosexuals have the right to affirmative action
in bed??? Can you believvvvvvvveeeeeeee this? Next, Jerry Springer will
run for the US Senate on behalf of welfare mothers without health care.
That just makes me want to hit a chair over my head.
Even though John Ashcroft is doing his best to stuff socks in it, there’s
all kinds of kinky stuff happening. There ‘s that one Democrat from
Calvin Collidge’s home state that actually thinks he can send me
packing next year! Have you ever heard anything so silly? Can you imagine,
Poppy, winning a war in Iraq, telling the people to “read your lips,
no new taxes,” and then LOSING an election to some unknown Democratic
governor? That is SO 1992! Nobody could be that stupid!
Now he’s even gone and raised more than a whopping $7 million. Seven
million dollars in ninety days, that’s Barb and Jenna’s monthly
beer allowance, and he thinks he can whoop me with that!
No, Poppy, his name’s not Clinton. It’s Dean something. You
know I always hated that Dean
Rooney character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. That Ferris guy was
my role model, goofing off whenever he had the chance, and gaining the
sympathy of all around him when he needed a break. Then out comes that
nasty Dean guy who was always trying to undercut Ferris and make him follow
the rules. I love the way Ferris always got out from under the Dean character
in so many mischievous ways. Brings back great memories, eh Poppy? That
reminds me I should find a place for Ferris in Homeland Security.
Maybe Ferris could replace my press secretary, Ari Fleischer. That new
kid I got keeps messing up my schedule. Just last week I was going to
do a speech on how unemployment is on its way and how America’s
economic might is being feared around the world. I thought it was quiet
when the helicopter eased its way into the parking lot and there wasn’t
a car in sight. There weren’t even any people in sight, except for
the Governor of Oregon who told me that everyone in the state was unemployed
and trying to get into Mexico’s bracero program. That reminds me,
el Presidente Fox wants to talk about putting in a fence on the border.
Imagine all these welfare cases trying to sneak across the boarder and
trying to start dot.com’s and biotech companies down south. They
don’t know George W. Bush. I’m not afraid of Saddam. I’m
not afraid of the Iraqi people. Yeah, some of our troops over there know
nothing about this impolite habit they have over there of shooting guns
with a poor sense of direction. But it’s all because they’re
happy!
I bet this is all the fault of Bill Clinton becoming a Harlem gun dealer…
But I’m not afraid of Bill Clinton. I’m not afraid of Segway.
I’m not afraid of Jerry Springer. I’m not afraid of that Dean
guy!
Bring ‘em On!
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