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In the News
Camp Kennebunkport Revisited |
Dubya wins a very special Oscar
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News Item – In the second biggest entertainment
story of the week (after the announcement that Monica Lewinsky would
host a reality show on Fox TV) the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts
and Sciences selects George W. Bush as the writer of the year’s
best screenplay for his work “It’s the Oil, Stupid! Bush
was a surprise winner, especially since the final scenes of his screenplay
are still rolling at the World Premiere in Baghdad. The final credits
are reportedly very short.) |
I really want to thank the members of the Academy for this award.
Ever since a bully kicked sand in my face at a Corpus Christi, Texas beach
resort, I’ve wanted to kick sand in someone else’s face. Now,
I’ve finally found a huge supply of sand.
You like me! You, really, really, really like me! You have to understand,
I’ve sometimes questioned your support. As I see it, you’re
either with me, or John Ashcroft will be making a list and checking it
twice!
Oh, come on guys, can’t you take a little joke?
First of all, I want to thank my father for giving me a push by writing
the first few chapters of this screenplay. I’m sorry, it took me
12 years to follow up on it, Dad, but I had to take a powder first. I
also want to thank my brother Jeb for assisting the great casting director
in the sky to seeing his way to making me President. I want to thank my
Mom for introducing me to the world of writing and great books. I still
have that book about Millie, Mom!
Most of all, I want to thank my straight man, Saddam Hussein. You are
a walking weapon of mass destruction, Saddam, and you personally put the
“evil” in the “axis of evil!” If the mother of
all infidels had not created you, I would have had to invent you myself.
As is, I have a tough enough time composing elusive elixirs of evil for
all my many crusades to come. But you’re not elusive anymore, Saddam,
wherever you are tonight, this butt’s for me.
The Iraqi people also deserve thanks for laughing along with the funny
lines in my work, where I say Iraq’s oil belongs to the Iraqi people.
Of course, you folks here in Hollywood understand the term “agent,”
and as the liberator of the Iraqi oil — er, I mean the Iraqi people
— we deserve a good cut of the total earnings.
I also want to thank the nattering nabobs of negativism at that unholy
shrine to process and peace. Even though you guys are neither united or
for that matter, nations, I want to thank you for giving Colin Powell
something do while we were planning our war games. By the way, I hope
my friend Jacques Chirac doesn’t choke on his freedom fries when
we do some major plastic surgery on the Statue of Liberty in New York
harbor. I think our new director of post-911 Immigration — Pat Buchanan
— had the best suggestion, a huge red international slash right
in front of the statue to let immigrants know how welcome they are.
I can’t stop laying on the thanks without mentioning my friends
the Brits. Tony Blair helped me when I had writer’s block, and fortunately
he would never be blocked by the will of the English people. The Brits
are truly creative, not only do they spell words kind of funny, they’re
environmentally conscious. It would have taken us years to defend our
Iraq policy, if the Brits hadn’t found some great stuff on the Internet
that we could recycle.
Finally, I want to give my biggest thank you to Dick Cheney and Donald
Rumsfeld who actually came up with the idea for the script, way back in
1997. Imagine, they knew even before I assumed the reigns of power that
I would one day become commander-in-chief and I could claim Iraq and its
resources for the good of the US oil industry.
And they said my father’s administration didn’t have a “vision
thing.”
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