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In the News
All is Plentiful on the Homefront
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 January
21, 2003
Dear Daddy:
Here I am again at Camp David. I appreciate being able to come here
to get away from those mongrel hordes that keep drowning us out as Condi,
Ashcroft and I are trying to figure out how to score another trifecta — get
rid of Saddam, get rid of that nagging constitution, and win a World
Championship for the Texas Rangers. I think if I could get Karl Rove
to pitch for the Rangers I could have that last one figured out.
Camp David is really, really swell, except for the name. For some reason
it keeps reminding me of Jimmy Carter, Arafat and Sadat. Couldn’t
we give this place a good Republican name? How does Camp Kennebunkport
sound to you?
I’m going to have to learn how to stay away from the White House
on Saturdays.
Wouldn’t you know it, Condi and Colin
would pick this week when we’re preparing some affirmative
action for Saddam (if you get my drift) to get into a misunderstanding
about my dealings with the Supreme Court. I am the first to admit
that if it wasn’t for my dealing with the Supreme Court,
I wouldn’t be here at Camp Kennebunkport today. |
Every time I look around, there’s another hundred
thousand or so unwashed masses out there trying to put down the good
we’ve done for our fraternity — I mean our nation. Last weekend
I’m told about half-million people showed up to say they don’t
want no war in Iraq. Well, hell, don’t they know we don’t
want no war either? All we want is their damned oil, and if Saddam would
just go away, there wouldn’t be any war. How dumb can they get?
Besides, don’t they know there’s a depression on? If these
folks would spend their Saturdays going to a mall, like a good Christian
consumer, our economy wouldn’t be in the toilet as much as it is.
Is these people learning or what?
Speaking of the economy, I took your advice and proposed the elimination
of the tax on dividends. I'm still smarting a bit from that time at Christmas
dinner when you called my plan "voodoo economics." But then, I remember
you used that term when Uncle Ronnie trickled down on you, twenty years
ago. I know you and mom were a bit miffed when I passed on that hot stock tip that Kenny Boy gave me. I never thought
you’d go and buy thousands of shares of Enron. I thought the dividend
income alone could allow a typical senior couple like you and Mom to
live out your golden age in the comfort of a South American retirement
community where you could be with some of granddaddy Prescott’s
friends. Don’t worry, I talked to Jeb after his re-election
and he is building a little apartment for you and mom right behind the
Tallahassee
governor’s mansion. I hear it’s got great views of Gulf of
Mexico sunsets, and sometimes you can see bright lights of crosses being
burned.
Speaking of race relations, I went to a ceremony this week honoring that
Martin Luther guy. I still don’t understand why we Methodists have
to answer some Lutheran fellow, just because he was a King in some kind
of backwater like Georgia. The pictures they showed me of this King fella
looked kind of like the ones you borrowed from the FBI in your CIA days,
except these pictures don’t have any half-dressed women in them.
At least everybody agreed that this King fella spent a lot of time sleeping
on the job — everybody kept talking about this “dream” he had.
Wouldn’t you know it, Condi and Colin would pick this week when
we’re preparing some affirmative action for Saddam (if you get
my drift) to get into a misunderstanding about my dealings with the Supreme
Court. I am the first to admit that if it wasn’t for my dealing
with the Supreme Court, I wouldn’t be here at Camp Kennebunkport
today. But Colin keeps trying to say if it wasn’t for Affirmative
Action, he wouldn’t even be able to come into the Service Entrance
of the White House, apparently because his daddy never taught him how
to shine up a pair of shoes. Condi says it’s OK for the University
of Michigan to consider the color of your skin in its admission policies sometimes, especially for those crazy football fans that show up in mid-winter
wearing only blue paint on their bodies.
Well, I’ve got to go for now, it’s about time for one of my favorite new reality programs to be on. I think the Fox News Channel
will have a hit with “When Good Democrats Go Bad,” or “The Al Sharpton Story.” I wonder if he could pitch for the Rangers?
Thanks for sending those pork rinds and those funny pictures of Al Gore from the FBI.
Your Georgie Boy
PS: Jeb says he’ll be glad to help you and Mom figure out the ballot when it’s time to vote in Florida in 2004.
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