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Hello Faddah, from Camp Kennebunkport

March 21, 2003

Dear Daddy:

Thanks for building this comfy bunker for me underneath Camp Kennebunkport. While there are still some around here who want to call it Camp David, I think I got the message to Rummy, Dickie and Condi that Camp Kennebunkport is going to stick. As for the rest of ‘em, I think after we give Saddam his “shock and awe” treatment, we’re going to educationalize a few of those “blue state” holdouts who still aren’t with us.

Just in case you haven’t heard the big news yet, Daddy, March 20, 2003 is going to be remembered as a major day in history, just like that day in September a few years ago. I can’t remember the exact day, but I can check with one of my gals…. But, anyway, I finally got rid of one of my great nemeses that has been bothering me since I assumed this office. YES! Al Gore got a job with some fruit company…he’s working for some fruit company in California! Can you believe it? Yuk, Yuk, yuk! Dickie says he’s going to be selling Apples or something, he didn’t mention if he was going to be selling them on street corners! At least he’s not going to keep coming around and claiming my job!

Oh yeah, Rummy told me this morning, that he and his boys had a blast over in Baghdad last night. Apparently, Saddam didn’t invite them over to watch this pirated video of a Dixie Chick concert and they got all mad and stuff, as they had every right to be. So, just like the good ol’ boys they are, they sent over a bunch of cruise missiles, some stealth bombers and a couple of “bunker bombs,” to send Saddam a message. It’s bad enough that he isn’t willing to share his oil with those of us who paid for it over and over again back when he needed it twenty years ago. But, not inviting us over to watch a Dixie Chick video? Them’s fighting words. Saddam will never forget this, especially when he goes over to WalMart and tries to return that slightly devastated DVD player. This stuff just tickles me, it’s so easy to pull this stuff off, just like back in sixth grade when I punched out that geek crippled kid and stole his lunch money.
Anyway, Rummy says if he can get his cruise missiles anywhere near where the sun don’t shine on Saddam he’s going to perform a long distance colonoscopy that is guaranteed to fix not only Saddam’s pain in the ass, but mine as well. That will be helpful if it clears out the remaining pimples that keep multiplying down on Capitol Hill. Dammit, you had a better time with a Congress run by Democrats than I have with my Republican friends. I think they’ve been swallowing too many freedom fries down there. Just yesterday when we were beginning to score some Iraqi oil, the Senate refused to let us drive our SUVs through the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. Maybe Rummy needs to do another colonoscopy on a few Republican butts? At the same time, the Senate Democrats won’t shut up on their constant jabbering about my Appeals Court nominee. It’s like they found something in the constitution about the Senate “advising” me on nominations, instead of just getting out the rubber stamp. I guess I’ll go have Ashcroft read the constitution again and see if he can find anything on that. Of course he’ll have to find the constitution again, he seems to have a hard time with that.
I’m going to have to go now, Laura says there is someone at the door, calling himself “Osama,” and that he’s a messenger from “Allahbama,” or someplace like that. He apparently is selling some kind of snake oil that he says “will leave no Democrat behind???” Sounds like that spam email I keep getting from some guy in North Korea that says he’s ready to eliminate all those blue states that cling to the Pacific Ocean. All I got to say is that I hope the Republican Party is grateful that I make all these efforts on their behalf.
May there be oil on the earth, and let it begin with me,
Your son,
Georgie

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