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| Bush Junior Writes Letter Home 'Passion' of Camp Kennebunkport |
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Hello Faddah It’s been a while since I last sent you a letter from Camp Kennebunkport.. Even though the world is a lot safer with Saddam and Martha Stewart headed for prison, things haven’t all been truffles and dervishes. But more about those chocolate-covered Muslim treats later. I remember back in September of my first year in office, when I picked up that bullhorn in that New York city construction site, it seemed like my plans for a lifetime dictatorship had fallen into place. “Let’s Roll,” seemed like the battle cry for a blitzkrieg of public opinion guaranteed to make sure that I wouldn’t have to face another one of them “election” thingies. I figured that Kenny-boy Lay and the others could save their money to pay their lawyers this year, Heck, I even arranged with Ashcroft to make me dictator for life in the Iraqi constitution as well. Somehow, during the ramp-up to Iraq’s liberation, however, the plan got side-stepped. Now, the Democrats think that this is actually an election year. Some of these Democrats even discovered this Internet thingie, where they can collect money without having to eat rubber chicken or having to stop people from importing cheap drugs from Canada. It’s a good thing that Howard Dean fella started screaming when he did, or I might have to really hit up Ken Lay’s lawyers just to stay in office. As is, running against JFK isn’t going to be as easy as running against that other Massachusetts liberal whose wagon you fixed in 1988. Don’t worry, I’ve already ordered Rumsfeld to offer Kerry a ride in a genuine tank. Hell, I even offered him my souvenir flight suit and “Mission Accomplished” sign. This year, I think we’re going to campaign pro-actively. We’re not going to let the Democrats set the campaign theme. I’m going to show America that I’ve learned something in the past four years, other than how to open the Social Security lockbox and shut the door on US high technology jobs. We’re going to demonstrate how the economy has rebounded so well that Halliburton profits are up to ten times what they were during the Clinton administration. I’m also going to take a strong stand on the issues this year. Apparently the key issue in this election is going to be “gay marriage.” I think all of us who get married hope for a marriage that is gay and carefree. Yet marriage has its difficult times, when even the most loving of couples — like Laura and I — just can’t be gay. Bless her, but that librarian inside of Laura keeps raising its ugly head and tells me to go and read a book. I agree with my old friend Spiro Agnew who I believe once said, “If you’ve read one book, you’ve read them all.” I prefer a good movie to a book. That’s why I talked Mel Gibson into doing a full-length feature film that opens during the week of the Republican Convention in New York this September. “The Passion of George W. Bush” will tell the story of how I was sent by God (Mel suggests that you play God, by the way) to be crucified by Democrats for lowering taxes. I like the scene where John Kerry betrays me, after casting 13 votes on my side of the issues like Iraq and the Patriot Act, only to deny these votes and betray me in a public forum. I know that you’ll do all you can to help me through this “election” detail this fall, so Ashcroft and I can get busy on making sure that no member of the family has to deal with this again. We’ve got to make the world safe for the Bush dynasty, as the twins are aching to get their opportunity at the White House liquor cabinet. Just in case, though, do you still have Willie Horton’s phone number? Yours in pork rinds, Georgie |
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March
8 , 2004