Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin
has called for reinforcements on the country’s
southern borders to protect against a wave of American
liberals attempting to escape four more years of George
W. Bush. “Unfortunately most of the blue states tend to
border on Canada, making our country a logical choice
for those escaping ethnic cleansing through cowboy justice.”
Martin admits that with just 30 million people, tending
to flock around the Canadian “sunbelt” stretching
from Vancouver to Halifax, there is plenty of room available
for an influx of Americans. “Still, many of these
folks come from relatively tropical locations like Boston,
Detroit and Seattle, and are not used to the frigid
cold of the sparsely populated provinces like the Yukon
Territories,” Martin suggested.
Within 24 hours of Senator John Kerry’s concession
speech, there was already a planning meeting for disenchanted
liberals in a bunker near the recently re-activated
Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington State. The site
was chosen to prevent expanded Patriot Act transmitters
from tapping conversations. An election that was seeded
in fear itself had now brought the fear of God and Bush
to an angst-ridden but literate group of potential Canadian
immigrants. “The best we can hope for in staying
in this country would be that the Galactic Commission
condemns the earth to make room for a freeway,”
said a Seattle-based activist.
Clearly, the fictional premise within the Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy seemed to bring a sense of hope
to those who anxiously had scraped off their “Bush
Lied” bumper stickers before the Bush Security
Police could find them.
Meanwhile, Carolyn Parrish a member of Martin’s
Liberal Party in the Canadian Parliament says America’s
vote to re-elect Bush demonstrated that America was
“out of step” with the rest of the world
and she welcomed liberal Americans seeking asylum in
Canada. The outspoken MP notes that with the possible
exception of Alberta, there are few “red”
provinces in Canada, and the migration of liberal Americans
could make Canada a world leader in stem cell research,
not to mention improving Canadian wine lists.
Canadian conservatives, however, warn against giving
asylum to the US liberals. “They will suck up
our national health care system and their women will
refuse to shave their armpits!” warned one conservative
Member of Parliament.
Meanwhile, in the Mount St. Helens bunker, the first
wave of immigrants prepared for their trek through the
backwoods of the Cascades through the Olympics, pioneering
a twenty-first century underground railroad from Humptulips
, Washington to Kamloops, British Columbia. They were
survivors, barely extant on Pacific Northwest salmon
and the occasional tall, nonfat latte brewed fresh in
their backpacks.
“There is a God…,” one of the pioneers
yelled out as they reached the purple mountain majesties
of the border. “…and he’s not George
W. Bush.”
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Liberals Flocking to Canada?