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Campaign 2004
Democrats Form Circle
for Firing Squad |
 Dick
Cheney says he wants to continue to serve as Vice President of the United
States. The heart-challenged second-banana made his announcement from
an undisclosed bunker near Halliburton City, the former Iraqi capitol
once known as Baghdad.
Cheney says it is important that he continue his oversight of the American
oil services company. Cheney quickly corrected himself, noting that he
meant the American government. The former Halliburton Chief Executive
say he can’t commit himself yet on his choice for the top of the
ticket, but says “the young Bush kid has a lot of spirit left in
him, and he looks good in that pilot’s outfit. “
Plans call for George W. Bush to continue his role in developing public
relations strategy for the Cheney administration. “We’re going
to outfit him with a brand new hard hat and megaphone so he can represent
us at super market openings and federal disasters, “Cheney says.
Cheney — who has undergone multiple heart surgeries — immediately
attempted to suppress any questions about his health. “I am as healthy
as the American economy, “he said. “We just need to keep that
pacemaker ticking away by amputating taxes on dividends.”
Cheney was enthusiastic about his chances during the 2004 election. “All
those pregnant chads in Florida during the 2000 election will now deliver
a healthy 5-million-vote, nine-foot-tall landslide,” he noted. “At
the very least, this victory will be easier than getting a judicial nominee
through the US Senate.
Cheney congratulated himself on choosing the “best candidate money
can buy,” when he selected himself as George W. Bush’s running
mate in the summer of 2000. “I went through a very intense selection
process when the Bush kid tapped me to select a running mate,” he
recalled. “Then, suddenly I looked in the mirror one morning when
I was shaving, and the rest is history!”
Cheney admitted that the pay cut he suffered in accepting the role of
vice president was a severe drain on his lifestyle as CEO of Halliburton.
However, the vice president says he is “getting along” since
Halliburton has managed to do well in the ensuing years — despite
the uncertain economy. “I’ll do even better when the taxes
on dividends end,” Cheney said.
Despite his continued absence from his Halliburton duties during his government
service, the company continues to treat Cheney well, the vice president
admitted. The oil service company has done everything it could to make
Cheney feel at home at whatever undisclosed location the shadow VP lands.
“I was feeling homesick for my old Wyoming landscape once, “Cheney
admitted. “Halliburton heard about it and they immediately boxed
up the Grand Tetons and moved them into the Baghdad sandbox — imagine
what they can do when the tax on dividends is lifted!.”
The once and future vice president says he will concentrate on preparing
the newly liberated Iraq for statehood in his next four years. Asked if
this conflicts with his earlier statements about Iraq having an open choice
in its future government, Cheney replied, “We’re trying to
teach Iraq about Democracy, US Republican style, “What you see is
not necessarily what you get.”
Plans are for Iraq to have a US Style fundamentalist Muslim government,
Cheney said. A team has been put together, to rewrite the Koran, much
as John Ashcroft has rewritten the Constitution. “By the time we’ve
finished rewriting it, “Cheney says, “Even Franklin Graham
will want to convert to Islam.”
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