Exposing the Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail
Dean: I Had Sex With Wife
Bureaucratic Snafu Blamed
Vice President Dick Cheney says he has at last discovered the fate of Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction.
The weapons apparently were stored at an undisclosed location on the West Coast of the US, Cheney says. Cheney says the site is actually one of the many “undisclosed locations” where he is provided a residence. Cheney denied that the “undisclosed location" is actually a Halliburton hangar, not far from the Hollywood home of singer-actress Barbra Streisand. “I am not prepared to confirm or deny that report,” Cheney said with a wink.
Cheney says a bureaucratic error is responsible for the
delay of the shipment of the weapons to Saddam Hussein. “I understand
there was a bit of confusion about whether Mr. Hussein’s credit
card was valid when he ordered the weapons from one of our military suppliers,”
Cheney admitted. “Someone apparently had done an identity theft
on the credit card and had maxed out the card at a Las Vegas casino.”
Mr. Cheney said Hussein had a $25 million credit limit on the card, and became brutally angry when the fraudulent theft was discovered. After spending more than four hours on hold with the credit card company, punching in “O” several times to yell at an operator, Hussein grew even more angry. ”
“I remember one of my staffers at Halliburton bringing this exchange to my attention back in 1997, “ Cheney admitted. “The man was beginning to make deadly threats such as dropping dirty bombs and anthrax on our facilities. “
Cheney says Hussein had been a valuable Halliburton customer over the years, and had expected some courtesy. “The man has bought billions of dollars in equipment from us, and he thought he deserved some patience. “
At first, Hussein was treated with kid gloves, as Halliburton
was — like too many corporations in the late 20th Century —
occupied with Y2K problems. Finally, Cheney admitted, ignoring Hussein
was becoming dangerous. “He threatened to join forces with Osama
bin Laden, one of our other disgruntled customers, and bring “Jihad”
upon America in general, and Halliburton in particular,” Cheney
Even as he left Halliburton to join George W. Bush in Washington, DC, Hussein’s bellowing followed Cheney. At his very first National Security Council meeting, Cheney brought up his irate customer and asked his friends what could be done.
“It’s best never to mis-underestimate this kind of fella,” Bush said at the meeting. “Hell, the way I got into the White House, I wouldn’t be surprised if Al Gore is scouting gun shows for a weapon of mass regime change. “
Cheney said it was determined then that — good customer or not — Hussein would be dealt with harshly. “We didn’t know how many of the earlier shipments he still had on hand — we were, after all dealing with diminished intelligence,” the VP admitted.
In all of this confusion, Secretary of State Colin Powell accidentally picked up Hussein’s Halliburton order form in a White House men’s room, and expressed shock and awe. Powell took the list directly to the United Nations and demanded that the body take action against Saddam.
It was only then, the White House had to go along with Powell to keep the snafu from being public knowledge. The weapons Saddam had ordered stayed in their undisclosed location, while Halliburton diminished its customer service reputation among national rating firms. There was, Cheney said, no other choice but to go to war against Iraq and remove the dictator from making any more angry telephone calls.
Meanwhile, Cheney says, the weapons of mass destruction
ordered by Saddam have finally been sold to the highest bidder. “I
believe Senator Kerry’s credit card turned out good.,” Cheney
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