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| Weapons of Mass Distress Crawford Discomfort |
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Dear Daddy:
I’m starting to appreciate what it was like for Dick Nixon. Hell, if I had known these media types could be so abusive, I’d have come out of AWOL in Texas and helped Dick get some better plumbers. At least that Poindexter guy you sent me came up with a grand idea about making a few bucks on the next terrorist attack. Imagine Poppy, making millions of dollars on our scheduled bombing of Iran just before Iowa Caucus! Damn, I had already bet all Laura’s broccoli budget for next month that we would be showing Saddam’s body on the October premiere of Fox’s new reality show, “When Bad, Oppressive Dictator’s Go Dead.” Don’t worry there’s no chance of us taking him alive and risking the chance of Saddam spilling the beans about your early days at the company. There’s another 28 pages of secrets that will never see the light of CNN! I’m pissed at my fellow Republicans in the Senate for stomping on Poindexter’s plan. I could see where our family could make some real money for next year’s campaign. I’m afraid as the economy gets further in the toilet; $500 million for this campaign may not be enough — especially when that little Internet doctor nerd from Vermont can tell his commie-liberal fag followers to “give me two-thousand bits over your modem, and vote to elect me in November.” This stuff is raising my cholesterol and the stupid TV keeps telling me to “see your doctor.” Maybe you and Ronnie went too far back in the 80’s when you allowed drug companies and doctors to advertise? Karl says Dean is just the guy you want to run against you next November. He’s from Birkenstock and Ben & Jerry Country! The last guy from Vermont took over from Warren Harding and only lasted a term! I knew Calvin Coolidge, Calvin Coolidge was a hero of mine, and Howard Dean is no Calvin Coolidge! Besides, Dean is practically on the Outer Limits of liberals! He doesn’t even believe in tax cuts or the “just war,” like the good Senator Liebermann! He is a Saddam sympathizer who loads Osama bin Laden’s video tape recorder every time he opens his mouth. Best of all, he would make it possible for Karl Rove and I to get married! Not that I would marry Karl, understand, (have you seen the abs on him, though?) I would much prefer Schwarzenegger, who I just loved in “Junior.” But I have a feeling Laura would veto that idea, not to mention John Ashcroft. This whole Saddamy question makes me want to throw up on the nearest available Japanese prime minister ever since the Supreme Court made its decision that those of the Gay persuasion can take affirmative action in their own bedrooms and at the University of Michigan. Speaking of Arnold, if he’s not going to be the next governor of California, perhaps I could use him for some of those Congressional hearings coming up this fall about the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq? Perhaps he could explain my logic for Iraq better than me… after all, I understand he has total recall? Until the next tax cut, Your boy, Georgie |
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Here
I am far away from Camp Kennebunkport, and as far from the Beltway as
I could get. I’m back in Crawford, the pride of Waco, where nothing
much ever happens, save the occasional murder of a basketball player and
the trial by fire of bunch Christian whackos.