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In the News
Bush Seeks Out Godfather of President's
Soul |
 News
Item: CBS has signed Bob Dole and Bill Clinton to revive its “Point/Counterpoint"
feature
Leslie Stahl: Now it’s time for Point/Counterpoint
featuring two former political combatants, former President William Jefferson
Clinton and former Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole.
Clinton: Weren’t you the former Republican Senate
Majority leader who burned 100 crosses on Strom Thurmond’s birthday
cake?
Dole: Bob Dole is a friend of mine. Bob Dole is a great
American. Bob Dole — thank God — is no Trent Lott.
Clinton: I actually knew that, Bob, kind of just pulling
your leg.
Dole: Bob Dole is also no Paula Jones. Don’t pull
any stuff on me, you ignorant slut, or I’ve got some mace with your
name on it.
Clinton: Well, I understand you’re quite erectly
functional now, Bob. Are you signed up for any of those new reality shows
on TV? Bet you’re a candidate for “Are you hot?”
Dole: Unlike certain people, I don’t want to leave
any stains on my career.
Clinton: I’m a great fan of yours, Bob. I want
nothing more than to be poster boy for Viagra when I grow up!
Dole: You mean you’re going to grow up?
Clinton: God and Hillary willing.
Dole: Will Hillary be giving God permission?
Clinton: Well, enough of this introduction. Let’s
get on to the question of the day. Should we be giving tax cuts to folks
like me who have more money than we have principles at a time when war
and pestilence are infecting the Bushes. I for one am solidly against
war and pestilence.
Dole: I am from Kansas where we have far more pestilence
than we do millionaires. Still, I am very much in favor of giving people
their hard-earned money back, especially if they’ve had to do hard
labor like sitting in front of a television camera and confessing their
sexual dysfunction.
Clinton: If you ever traveled outside of Topeka, Wichita
or the Watergate Hotel, Bob, you might realize that there are people who
resent folks who live high on the hog, while they are stuck bringing home
just enough for some Wal-mart underwear and a Happy Meal.
Dole: Is your mind always on underwear? Bob Dole is PROUD
to represent the beef in America. Bob Dole is PROUD to be associated with
Happy Meals and the grains of our lives.
Clinton: I can proudly say we totally agree on the value
of beef in our lives. After all, with this Armageddon that Bush is about
to inflict on us, we won’t have to worry about cholesterol or high
blood pressure anymore. You’ve got to admit we couldn’t have
gotten a worse president if we had elected one…
Dole: We did… back in 1992.
Clinton: Hey, the whole country believed it was prudent
at that juncture to save us from still another Bush Armageddon. If it
wasn’t for term limits, Americans could find real jobs, not just
sparring off on national television against half-baked celebrities.
Dole: You calling ME half-baked? Martha Stewart would
give up cooking for a career in insider trading rather than take you out
of the oven.
Clinton: Hey, you Republicans are always accusing me
of putting something in some lady’s oven…
Dole: I guess it depends on what your definition of “oven”
is.
Clinton: Did you ever wonder what happened to Andy Rooney?
What the heck are we doing here?
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