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Protect Yourself from Terrorist Constitution The Healing Power of Duct Tape |
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Among Ashcroft’s suggestions are:
• Keep plenty of duct tape around for low-cost
health care. Duct tape can be handy in bandaging and healing injuries
for the vast populations that
will no longer have access to doctors and medical facilities. •
Duct tape can create a low-cost, high pain chastity belt for any young
women who violate Bush administration “just say no,” goals. • Place a layer of duct tape across the first amendment
to the constitution where there is any mention of freedom of assembly
or speech. “This
is particularly valuable to misguided citizens in the New York area
who might be tempted to be on the side of the terrorists, instead of
with
us when we bomb Iraq,” Ashcroft noted. •
Another layer of duct tape should be placed over the words “freedom
of religion” in the constitution. “You can write on a piece
of duct tape the words “freedom to worship anyone, as long as it
is Christ,” Ashcroft noted. •
The implied right to privacy no longer exists, Ashcroft noted, so duct
tape should cover the fourth amendment as well. “Once we pass the
latest version of the Patriot Act, no one will ever be bothered by the
threat to privacy of a supermarket club card,” Ashcroft said
proudly. •
That part of the constitution that may refer to “unreasonable search
and seizures” and “speedy trials,” and other assorted
peace-time frivolities should also be covered in duct tape,” Ashcroft
said. •
Make sure that no duct tape covers up the remaining second amendment
to the constitution, the only worthwhile segment of the Bill of Rights. “By
the time we get through this Iraqi deal, North Korea and parts of San
Francisco and the Village, we are likely to require a lot of militias,” Ashcroft
predicted. • If there is enough duct tape remaining you may
consider yourself personally deputized in the struggle against terrorism
and apply tape repeatedly
over any loudmouthed peaceniks, traitors or other opponents of the
administration. Once these felons are securely taped, you may point them to
the Revised
Edition of the US Constitution.
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Washington — The
Justice Department has joined in the call for American citizens to buy
plenty of duct tape in the weeks to come. In addition to sealing windows
and other openings from chemical invasions during this Orange Level threat,
Attorney General John Ashcroft says there are other uses for duct tape
that will make citizens feel more secure.