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| Letters from Camp Kennebunkport Following Poppi's Footsteps |
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May
17, 2004
There's been a lot of speculation of late that I'm going to follow in your footsteps and be evicted by the American people. Can you believe it? I never even asked anyone to read my lips! I certainly haven't raised any new taxes. Just because a few million people have discovered a leak in the American dream home because of our good Republican trickle-down theory, I'm supposed to care? Just because we sent off a bunch of young boys and girls who were hoping for a college education to a place where they're likely not to ever need one, I'm a bad commander-in-chief? What's with these people? Don't they know that I'm on a mission from God? Have they no respect? I’m starting think I’d like to have my baseball team back. Things were so much fun back then when you helped me get the Texas Rangers, and I was able to make a pre-emptive strike on the taxpayers of Arlington, Texas. When will poor people ever realize that it is their mission in life to support the whims of the rich? We were able to bring democracy to Arlington, ending a brutal regime that had forced the Rangers to play more than 40 miles from Fort Worth. We found weapons of mass destruction from that regime, like Sammy Sosa, and we got rid of them. Like the old Washington Senators they were, we wanted our Rangers to be first in the hearts of the people (keeping them too busy to complain about other things) and last in the American League. OK, it has not been quite as easy in Iraq. Somewhere between breaking out the champagne glasses on that aircraft carrier near San Diego and the victory parties at Abu Ghraib prison, we are beginning to lose our heads in more ways than one. I’m beginning to think there are more turkeys at our military bases in Baghdad than the one I served on a platter last Thanksgiving. Dickie boy, who got me into this whole presidential thing, says don’t despair about my falling poll numbers. He says his boys in Florida have that covered. In fact, he says he is so confident about the election results that he’s going to have one of his friends at Fox News announce them a week in advance. Once our Attorney General makes it a felony to think bad thoughts about me, Dickie boy says the election will be a cinch. The only people allowed to vote then will be people who think GOOD thoughts about me. I’m still a little confused about how that will be enforced — but hey, it won’t be the first time that’s happened, huh? I just want to make sure I do everything possible to make sure that we of the Bush dynasty don’t keep turning over the White House to sexual perverts. That Taxachusetts liberal running against me probably doesn’t have sex with his wife. Hell, *I* wouldn’t have sex with his wife…. But then, I wouldn’t have sex with Laura, either…. But that’s another story. We have to make sure that Americans know how important it is that Dick Cheney has to serve another four years to save what’s left of this planet. Someday soon, we will lose Ronald Reagan from this earth, the man who warned us what a danger trees posed to this planet. Yet, Democrats would have us leave some trees still standing! If only Democrats could start thinking about saving government expenses so my friends could get more tax cuts, what a wonderful world this would be! Well, I’ve got to cut this short, and start thinking about having another press conference sometime in October. Osama has already agreed to show up for that one and give me an endorsement for re-election. I know you really like the bin Laden family, Poppi, but I’m beginning to think Osama might be some kind of pervert too. He said he wanted to actually give me a “kiss” on camera during the press conference, something he says will demonstrate the love “within our families.” Frankly, I think we should point him to Massachusetts where he might find a nice fella to marry. By the way, I just had this sweet letter from some little eight-year-old who suggested that I follow your lead and take up skydiving. He even suggested that I should practice near Baghdad…. What do you think? With love, (43) |
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Could
this be my last Spring at Camp Kennebunkport?