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In
the News
Northwest Seeks Help
of Saddam, Osama |
 Hellfire
and damnation was apparent everywhere in the US this week from sea to
parting sea. Earth’s shaken landlord roared with loads of thunder
and multiple infestations of locusts as He demanded an instant retraction
of the words of Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin that “George W. Bush
was put in place by God.”
“These earth creatures are always blaming me for everything,”
God said. “I can take these little 'acts of God,' like 100-year-floods,
oppressive heat, and disastrous blizzards. I will not, however, take credit
for George W. Bush. He is entirely the responsibility of George H.W. Bush
and Barbara Bush.”
Besides, God noted, it was the US Supreme Court composed of believers
and non-believers who made the ultimate decision to hand responsibility
for the future of mankind to someone whose parents would give him the
White House off their backs.
As a kind and loving Supreme Being, God said, he would not take responsibility
for someone who would bear false witness “in order to proceed upon
a Crusade to exterminate those who worship me in another way.”
God accepted responsibility for the state of the earth as it is, including
the creation of man. Ever since he created the earth, God said, the characters
he developed have become nothing more than a large dysfunctional family.
“I gave them the fruit of knowledge,”God said. “They
spit the pits right back at me.”
God said He might be inclined to take responsibility for Bush if the Texan
had demonstrated the compassion he advertised to voters three years ago.
“Faith-based compassion begins at home,” God said, “It
doesn’t mean squandering your budget on war so you can claim there
are no alms for the poor.”
God also took issue with Boykin’s claim that “my God was bigger
than his,” referring to his Christian God being a better fighter
than the God of Muslims. “I am Allah, and I have children named
Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed, “God said, “and the sooner the
world finds out we’re all one happy family, the better.”
As for “Satan,” God confirmed that he exists but he is not
stupid enough to venture out to a battle ground where real bullets fly.
Satan is enriching himself by creating a network of crack houses, check
cashing places, and purveyors of cheap liquor designed to keep poor folks
from rightfully inheriting the earth.
“This General Boykin fella obviously doesn’t know of what
he speaks,” God said. “But then the acorn doesn’t fall
far from his commander-in-chief.”
God said fighting “in my name,” is about as wise as believing
that I spend a January afternoon caring about the participants in a Super
Bowl football game.
“Of course I do, watch the Super Bowl — but I only care about
watching the commercials.”
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