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In
the News
Bush Sweeps Fiction Emmys |
The last time
Karl Rove had worked this late in his underground bunker near McLean,
Virginia Osama bin Laden was still working for the company, and George
W. Bush was gorging down powdered donuts at Texas Rangers games.
Times were less difficult then. Money could resolve most problems, as
long as it was cash and in US bank notes.
Now there was a recruitment problem in the GOP. The party that had given
the world Newt Gingrich, Tom Delay and Arnold Schwarzenegger could not
find a single potential candidate who had ever read a script. The Hollywood
farm teams who once could recruit voice-overs for policy wonks “big
time,” had now been reduced to whizzing out Dennis Miller, who couldn’t
tell the difference between saying the “s” word in public
and the FCC’s seven unspoken words according to George Carlin. “Sh*t
what does the f*ck*ng FCC have to do with rules, anyway? “Miller
said. “Those “a**ho*es couldn’t keep track of their
d*cks if they were bl**ing it at the time.”
Rove was concerned that the "family values” division might
abandon the party if it were to run someone with such poor command of
the English language against California’s US Senator Barbara Boxer
in 2004. Miller, however, says he will promise the Republican Right that
he will never get an abortion and that he will oppose marriage for any
Democrat. “That means we will limit gay marriages to Log Cabin Republicans,
which is only fair since there are no women in that group!” Miller
pointed out.
Rove, however, insisted that he would find the kind of celebrity California
Republicans seem to demand if he had to go to the ends of Disneyland.
Rove had to delay his recruitment trip to the theme park until the end
of this weekend’s “gay Disney” celebration.
Rove says the only qualified California Republican he could find so far
was actor Bruce Willis. However, Willis’ association with the Die
Hard series of motion pictures may distress Californians who were overwhelmingly
against the war in Iraq and have suffered enough spectacular car fires
on local freeways. Willis says he is not particular interested in projecting
a kinder, gentler image, despite his other series of Look Who’s
Talking, motion picture events.
Tom Cruise, a major box office figure who has experience walking on an
aircraft carrier in a fighter pilot uniform seemed like a perfect fit,
until sources at the company showed pictures of cruise dancing in his
underwear in Risky Business.
Jack Nicholson received some consideration in the Rove search, especially
after he spoke the GOP motto, “You can’t handle the truth,”
in A Few Good Men. Still Nicholson’s roles in The Shining
and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest might send the wrong
message to California Republicans.
Rove’s recruitment efforts were interrupted suddenly when the bright
light from an open door lit up the basement corridor. An aide carrying
a clipboard, a portable video camera and a pile of video tapes walked
into Rove’s office. “I think I’ve got it sir!”
the aide pronounced.
“What is it man, spit it out!”
We’ve got the perfect California candidate,” the aide said.
“In fact, sir, dare I say if GW’s poll numbers drop any further,
this could be our man for the White House!”
“Who, BYE GEORGE, could that be?”
“Why, it’s Joe Lieberman, sir, “ the aide said. “Think
of it, the man has the support of Jewish voters, Californians voted him
to be vice president in overwhelming numbers and he’s a Connecticut
Yankee. He is a perfect straight man at a time when the GOP is looking
for someone to overcome the Gay Agenda.
“Bye George, Smithers, you may have something here!” Rove
said.
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