Exposing the Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail
Monkey to Shine?
Gore is Out, Gore-Bonzo Throws Hat in Ring
in a manger, the world awaits the introduction of its first cloned baby
from a group some believe is having an out-of-mind experience. Yet, in
the shadows, still another genetic engineering project is underway that
promises to make the cloned baby as newsworthy as a barrio street fight.
Deep in an underground lockbox in the hills of Tennessee, sources have confirmed, a stealth candidate for President of the United States is being genetically
constructed from the DNA of former Vice President Al Gore
and the direct descendant of Ronald Reagan's movie sidekick, Bonzo. "Gore-Bonzo"
isdesigned to answer the challenge of an electorate demanding a "just
like us" brainless candidate who can meet the intellectual pressures
of the Oval Office. In other words, the people want a "dumbed-down"
President for the short-attention span generation.
The idea was hatched just weeks after the 2000 presidential
election debacle came to an end, when talk of pregnant chads and "lowered
expectations" were hatched in a Florida think tank that originally
designed the now-famous butterfly ballot. Workers at the think tank who
had raced around the clock for answers, spent many early mornings watching
classic movies, including Bedtime for Bonzo.
"I think Bonzo might have made a better President
than Reagan," said one think-tank worker. "He even has all of
The conversation was overheard by a Gore associate who
brought up the concept with the former Vice President. "I will do
just about anything to save Social Security," Gore said. "That
includes being a monkey's uncle."
The seeds were sown, the DNA was extracted and joined
together as agents of the Bonzo heirs negotiated for a fortune in bananas
and an agreement that Bonzo III could option off the movie rights to his
story. Just when the negotiations hit a snag regarding the ability of
a Simian to coexist with a serious, straight-laced Gore, the vice-president
offered to go on the rubber chicken circuit and seek out places where
he could stretch his serious image. Senator Joseph Lieberman finally broke
the ice by offering to sit in a hot tub with Gore.
The full-grown "Gore-Bonzo" is expected to announce
his entry into the 2004 campaign at a Concord, NH press conference in
February. Gore-Bonzo will fly to Des Moines, Iowa later in the day for
a second news conference. The Simian intellectual is expected to fight
off a possible challenge to his species by noting that the Constitution
makes no specific requirement that a candidate be human. "It just
says you have to be 35 and a US citizen - you don't have to be human,
Gore-Bonzo says his special genetic engineering has produced
a speaking voice that is far superior to that of Bush, while still warming
audiences with a human element. "I'd say I've got the best of Jerry
Seinfeld with a bit of John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan thrown in, "
Gore-Bonzo told his handlers.
Indeed at a practice press conference, the Simian challenged
his audience to "ask not how your nose is picked, but what you can
do to pick your nose." Later, Gore-Bonzo his first call to action
to singer Michael Jackson, "Mr. Jackson, next time you have the impulse
to throw something off a balcony, tear down that nose!
Watching Gore-Bonzo from behind the glass, the former vice president displayed tears in his eyes, his fatherly pride showing clearly. "America will finally get the dumb monkey off its back and have a President who will leave no intellectual challenge behind, "Gore said. "And if this little fellow inherited my kissing skills, long lines of women will be lined up to volunteer on his behalf."
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