 Washington
— In a surprise political development, Al Gore will assume
his rightful office as President of the United States, following
the resignation of George W. Bush. The unprecedented mid-term resignation
followed Bush’s acknowledgement that he assumed the office
fraudulently following the 2000 presidential election. Behind-the-scenes
negotiations by the Gore and Bush camps were virtually un-noticed
during the media build-up to the current Iraq war.
Gore will take his oath of office in front of the Capitol steps
on Tuesday morning, April 1, 2003.
Bush says he is getting bored with the job of commander-in-chief
after just a week running the war in Iraq that was expected to effect
a regime change in Baghdad rather than Washington. “Dick and
Rummy let me go into the super-secret war room in the basement of
the White House and even let me make some phone calls,” Bush
recalled. “I used some old scripts from Ronald Reagan when
I looked right into (Russian) President Putin’s soul and said
“"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will
outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
“Putin almost fell off the toilet during that call,”
Bush added.
Still, there’s only so much fun that can be had during wartime,
Bush admitted. He recalled that he also got bored during the Vietnam
era after keeping the commies out of Texas for a month during his
National Guard duties. He attempted to amuse himself by setting
paper bags filled with doggie poop on fire and leaving the bags
on the front steps of the headquarters building. Despite this amusement,
Bush still had a hard time keeping his sense of humor active. "They
say war is hell, but I wasn't able to even execute anyone during
my entier month of service during Vietnam," Bush said.
The future commander-in-chief did his best to find new amusements.
After taking off and landing a few dozen times, there wasn’t
much more to do, Dubya remembered. “It was much more fun watching
the bare naked ladies at Woodstock.”
While Bush admitted that he did indeed fake the election results
in Florida, and that he and a business partner identified only as
“Kenny Boy” set off the technology industry depression
by keeping the lights out in California, he was satisfied that he
had met all his goals for his presidency. “Gore can’t
quit going after Saddam now, or he’ll have a bloody mess on
his hands,” Bush admitted. “Either way, by the time
the war is over, Gore will have a lynch mob after him from the Democratic
Party, and another one from the Republicans…. Meanwhile, Daddy
will buy me another baseball team or maybe even the whole commissioner’s
office.”
Bush added that he left the economy in such poor shape that Gore
will “have to remember where he kept his lockbox,” in
order to bail out the treasury. “The bad news is that between
the tax cut, homeland security and the war, there won’t be
a cent available for Social Security, Bush said. “The good
news is that between the poor starving to death while remaining
uneducated, old people unable to buy prescription drugs, and the
class warfare about to begin, no one will live long enough to collect.”
Gore said he will appoint Bill Clinton as his new vice president,
replacing Dick Cheney — who will personally take over the
rebuilding of Iraq by resuming his old job as CEO of Halliburton,
Inc. Clinton accepted the VP spot in return for Gore promising that
the tidal basin in Washington, DC will be well-stocked with interns.
“It’s important to America that we have someone with
the charisma that will bring America to its knees, and someone who
can bring in enough speaking fees to once again balance the US budget,”
Gore said.
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