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As the recall circus approached its final hours, Ringmaster Arnold Schwarzenegger promised that he will create a “do not grope” list for all the women in California.
Schwarzenegger, one of 130 remaining candidates for governor of California should voters recall incumbent Gray Davis, says he is sorry that some women do not appreciate his playful fondling of their private parts. “I pray to God each morning that I wake up that women experience happiness and gratitude from my touching,” Schwarzenegger says.

Mr. Schwarzenegger says he will make California a state that will be sexually free where men and women can touch each other as frequently as possible — and if necessary, stick each other's heads into toilet bowls.   “Of course that won’t apply to gay people. Groping is something God made as an act only between men and women,” he added.

Still, Schwarzenegger says if women — or men for that matter — do not want to be touched by him or any other person, they should sign up for the statewide “do not grope” list. Signers of the list will be issued stickers with the international “no” sign. These stickers, Schwarzenegger says, can be affixed to places on the body — breasts, buttocks, pinkies or penises — where the wearer does not wish to be groped.

The gubernatorial candidate says violators of the do not grope list — including himself — will be punished by being forced to play a victim’s role in the next Terminator movie. “The difference will be that we will play with real weapons this time.”

Larry Flynt, a pornographer and a Schwarzenegger opponent in the recall says he will oppose any attempt to enforce the “do not grope” list. “I believe it’s man’s rightful purpose on earth to touch women in any manner they wish. Next thing you know, Arnold will want to prevent infants from getting their daily dose of breast milk,” Flynt said as he posed a model for her portrait in the December issue.

Women wearing string bikinis gathered in a Huntington Beach shopping mall said they had a constitutional right to be groped. “The constitution says something about, like search and seizure, “ one young lady said. “gag me with a civics lesson, It’s like unconstitutional for like a guy to fail to be attracted by what we’ve like got.”

Other young women decried the Los Angeles Times and others who objected to Arnold’s gropings as “uncool.” These dry old farts, the youngsters said, are just “sour gropes.”

At the same time, Schwarzenegger says he will call in his last-minute Austrian campaign team that will help him score points in the recall election. Schwarzenegger says his brown-shirted friends will help him "set fire to California, — beginning with the Reichstag, er State Capitol," in Sacramento.

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