War with Iraq
Liberation of the
Halliburton — As Operation Iraqi Freedom enters its second
phase, things are still a bit “untidy,” in the world’s
newest democracy. What once was focal point of the axis of evil is now
called “Halliburton.” The US-based oil services conglomerate
that recently surprised the world with its winning bid for rebuilding
damage done to the infant country by the US military was equally successful
in its bid for naming rights. "The dictatorship of Iraq is dead,
long live Halliburton," Texas hellfighters screamed in unison as
the Halliburton flag was raised over the primary palace of former dictator
Halliburton bid a record $80 billion for the naming rights,
which coincidentally was the same amount of money authorized by the US
Congress for the war. Under a special provision in the bill, Halliburton
will be allowed to deduct the entire amount of its naming rights bid.
During a controversial US Senate fight for the provision, Vice President
Cheney was forced to cast the tie-breaking vote.
Reaction in the new nation of Halliburton was swift. “Halliburton?
Didn’t she win an Oscar for Best Actress just last year?”
a nine-year-old student from the newly named Dick Cheney Elementary School
in Baghdad asked. The boy joined other Baghdad looters who paused long
enough to take a Big Mac break in a makeshift McDonald’s tent already
set up at the site of a fallen Saddam Hussein statue.
Fox News cameras caught a nine-year-old thief clutching the spoils of
waras he sat down for a Happy Meal — including a half-eaten French
pastry, a Mercedes steering wheel and a Sound of Music DVD stolen
from the home of former Information Minister Tariq Aziz. .
“Kids say the darndest things,” said Marine Corporal Lance
Dittohead said, as he mussed up the child’s hair.
“Watch it, Yankee oil guzzler… Do that again and I’ll
shove my brand new knife where not even Viagra is going to save your sex
life,” the five-year-old responded.
“They sure grow up quickly around here, “the corporal tried
to save the photo opportunity.”
“That’s what you get for blacking out Nickelodeon all those
years,” the nine-year-old shot back, “Not to mention starving
my mother and me.”
“But we’re here from the US government to liberate you now,
“the corporal said.” from here on, you’ll not only get
Happy Meals, you’ll be able to play basketball in Nike shoes and
Gap sweat shirts!”
“Great, you guys shove this capitalist doo-doo on us , you get billions
of drums of oil, sell tons of anti-depression medicine to a brand new
market, and all we get is some smelly sweatshirt!” the nine-year-old
was not in a mood to be liberated.
“You know, by Christmas you could be shopping endless hours at the
Galleria ScrewSaddam, spending a leisurely afternoon at the Baghdad Arabian
Nights Timeshare Resort, investing in dot.com’s, and watching the
latest Hollywood flicks at the local multiplex ,” the Marine countered
against his unexpected resistance.
“Hey, let me look up ‘Christmas’ in the Qur'an,”
the boy responded.
“Listen, you little &*)_+head, if you’re going to be a
good Amerikun , you’re going to learn to be a good Christian…”
the Marine bellowed.
“Next thing, you’ll want to play catch with me,” the
“You will if you ever want to play for the Halliburton Oilers,”
the Marine explained.
“Now you’re talking. Maybe I could get used to this democracy
thing. Politics in Iraq seemed so simple, “the boy’s eyes
were sharpening. “The overwhelming majority of voters here voted
for Saddam, and he just kept getting re-elected every time. How can you
make that any easier?”
“In America, all you need is a majority of the Supreme Court,”
the marine noted.