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| Stains? What Stains? America Prepares for High Colonic |
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Days after suggesting that the “stain” of recent events at Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq could be removed by demolishing the institution, George W. Bush announced that he would give America itself a high colonic by removing other stains on the national conscience. Bush says he will begin by removing any monuments to
difficult times in American history, including original versions of the
Declaration of Independence that made references to slavery and counted
black Americans as 3/5th of a human being. “Laura also reminds me
that women weren’t even counted at all, “Bush noted. Bush says he will order history books rewritten to eliminate
any references to racism and mistreatments of Native Americans throughout
history. Not only will America be a happier place, Bush noted, but there
will be no need for “quotas” that give certain “interest
groups” special rights. Sources close to the White House say it will now be illegal
to make references to events like President Andrew Jackson’s forced
relocation of the Cherokee Nation, sometimes known as the “Trail
of Tears.” Anyone mentioning the name of Rosa Parks in public could
face charges of sedition. In addition, the interrment of Japanese Americans
during World War II will also be erased from America's consience. By resurfacing
history, Bush said, America can begin anew without the drag of history
airing America’s stains in public places. “We will demolish
that history from our national senses, “he added, “So America
is always known as the happiest kingdom on Earth.” A spokesman for the White House later apologized for Bush’s
remarks, admitting that Bush had not only infringed on a Disney copyright,
but he had forgotten that the nation was a republic — not a kingdom.
Some historians expressed displeasure at the thought that
history could be rewritten by simply removing references to bad memories.
“We are being asked to engage in a collective lobotomy,” Dr.
William Threshold, a historian at Franklin Pierce College said, moments
before he was taken away in a straight jacket. “Will America settle
for the collective historical conscience of a team of Dallas junior high
school cheerleaders?” National opinion polls — especially those taken
in the South and in states carried by Bush in 2000 — recorded a
sharp positive up tick for the beleaguered commander-in-chief who had
seen his approval numbers drop like the anchor of the aircraft carrier
on which he had pronounced his mission in Iraq as “accomplished.”
Some political experts admitted that the rewriting of history could even
include the questionable election "victory" Bush scored in 2000.
Meanwhile, in Iraq, efforts to clear the local mindset of the shame of Abu Ghraib has not worked as well. Reporters questioning Iraqi citizens noted that there had been some cerebral cleansing a year after the fall of brutal dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked about Saddam, citizens seemed forgiving. “Saddam Hussein?” one citizen responded, “He was a great leader. He should never have admitted to having sex with that woman!” |
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