Liftingthefog: Political Humor from Barbara Sehr

Exposing the Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail

Exposing the Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail

Bush State of Union Surprise

Hydrogen Cars: An Unexpected Chemical Weapon?

In the News

One Nation Under God & Dubya

A Letter from Camp Kennebunkport

hello faddah, infitada Baghdad — It had been a dark and stormy night. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein woke up early Wednesday morning, quaking in his boots, still blistering from his verbal attack by George W. Bush.

"Of all the things I’ve said about that moron, all the unpleasantries we’ve exchanged, underneath the table we basically join hands with Dubya because we’re connected to the brotherly pipeline of oil. Bush wouldn’t suggest using less oil, any more than he would give less tax cuts to the rich. In truth, I don’t think he’ll give his Energy Department enough funding for them to go to their local Toyota dealer and test drive a hybrid car. "

It made him wonder if maintaining his detachment from the escalating verbal exchange was worth his while. “I don’t care being called a child torturer, or someone who uses electric shock, hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, or mutilation during the execution of my regular duties,” Saddam noted. “We all have our little peculiarities.”

I don’t even care when the Great Satan compares me to Hitler,” Saddam sighed. “I wish sometimes I had the capacity to be Hitler… but so far, I haven’t even made the trains from Baghdad run on time.”

But now, Saddam told his cabinet, Bush has upped the ante in our personal struggle. He has proposed $1.2 billion in research funding for hydrogen-powered automobiles. "Of all the things I’ve said about that moron, all the unpleasantries we’ve exchanged, underneath the table we basically join hands with Dubya because we’re connected to the brotherly pipeline of oil. Bush wouldn’t suggest using less oil, any more than he would give less tax cuts to the rich. In truth, I don’t think he’ll give his Energy Department enough funding for them to go to their local Toyota dealer and test drive a hybrid car. "

“Still, I think there’s a message in these words: 'A simple chemical reaction between hydrogen and oxygen generates energy, which can be used to power a car producing only water, not exhaust fumes. With a new national commitment, our scientists and engineers will overcome obstacles to taking these cars from laboratory to showroom so that the first car driven by a child born today could be powered by hydrogen, and pollution-free.' “

Why would he say this in his declaration of war he presented last night? Are Americans so car crazy that even children are compelled to drive cars?” Saddam asked rhetorically.

“ I think he’s sending us a clear message,” Saddam’s assistant elaborated. “He’s saying you better resign now, or we’ll start thinking of not buying your oil. We’ll wring out the baby’s diaper into the gas tank before we’ll buy another quart.”

“ I didn’t hear him insist on drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge again, like he does every year. “Saddam recalled.” You think he’s serious about saving gas?”

“ The only gas Dubya wants to save is the kind induced by eating pretzels,” the assistant said. “Notice he didn’t mention that he’s giving people who buy Hummers a tax break.”

“ Still,” Saddam noted, “If we lost the American oil market it would have an even greater impact on our economy than if Columbia lost the American drug market. “

“ Since when are you worried about our people?” a cabinet member opined.

“ But, but, no…”

“ Have that man taken out and shot,” Saddam ordered. “Such heresy! Just like Bush, I care only about those who got me here, and keep me here! If word got out that I’m turning soft, imagine the reaction. Even Lybia wouldn’t give me a safe haven anymore. I’d have to do something menial, like go on an American survival reality television show and eat bugs or marry some ungrateful bitch.”

As the cabinet secretary was forcibly removed from the room, Saddam scratched his head in wonder. “We’re going to have to start brainstorming about how I can maintain the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed,” Saddam said. “Just in case the Americans are serious and we can’t sell any more oil.”

Saddam’s personal doctor, dressed in white linens, smoking a cigar and looking overweight in sharp contrast to the peasants sleeping in the streets not far from the presidential palace, rose to speak. “I’ve got the answer — and it will make selling oil to the Americans look like selling pork rinds in Cambridge.”

“ Do tell!” Saddam yelled out, a smile breaking on his face at last.

“ In the same speech, Bush also talked about additional funding for Medicare patients as long as they were in an HMO. We have all the facilities, the rules and the care standards for an HMO here. It’s time we started recruiting elderly Americans to visit us in droves, pointing out how much further their dollar goes here! “

“ Brilliant!” Saddam answered. “You’re the next secretary of , of….. who was that guy we just shot?”