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In the News
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 Washington — The number of children in Michael Jackson’s bed
each night determines the US security threat level, sources close to
the new federal Department of Fatherland Security have revealed. The
artist formerly famous for an album known as “Thriller” reportedly
has agreed to report the numbers to the federal government.
“ It was not surprising that the threat level rose to “orange” on
the morning after Jackson’s appearance on Disney-owned ABC Television,” a
Secret Service official revealed. “The thought of a man who dangles babies
from balconies appearing in a space owned by the creators of Sleeping Beauty
is enough to frighten any child, never-mind adults.”
At the same time, children have a sixth-sense of what is fearful, something we
first learned in the very scary thunderstorm scene in the Sound of Music, a Hollywood
expert noted. “If indeed there are scary things about to happen, children
have a native sense that prepares them to duck for cover, unlike scantily clad
bimbos that appear in cheap horror flicks.”
Questioned on why government security officials would risk a post-911 security
plan on a controversial rock star, a White House source said Jackson had not
shaken the faith of the President. “Mr. Bush knows what it’s like
to be Bad, and we also know what it’s like to dangle an entire country
from a hanging chad.”
Jackson’s large following helps the Bush administration divert attention
from its own insecurities. Reportedly government officials arranged the showing
of the BBC-created Jackson biography at a time when plans for its “Super-Sized” sequel
to the controversial Patriot Act was sent to Congress.
Under the Fatherland Security plan, Jackson opens his door at 7:30 each evening,
and begins playing a familiar, haunting tune heard around the neighborhood.
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
“
I don’t know what it is about a song sung to a big
hairy rat, that gives
small children a sense of security, but it seems to work like a Pied Piper,” a
neighbor reported.
“
Somehow, when terrorist noises clutter the airwaves, children know,” an
FBI agent close to the operation reported. “They know they need some comfort,
security and a feeling that in never-never land, they’ll be safe.”
Jackson is not the first eccentric musician to volunteer his service for Justice.
In 1970, Elvis
Presley offered to help then-President Richard Nixon weed out
drug dealers in the music business.
Jackson denied his offer to help out Fatherland Security was a part of a deal
to
protect him from sinister types who might want to question his own child-like
innocence, such as Gloria
Allred . “Heck, I have nothing against Ms. Allred, “Jackson
offered.” She’s very beautiful, and perhaps she’ll give me
yet another child one day.”
Should Jackson’s allegiance to the US government come into question anytime
during his service to Homeland Security, officials have made it clear to the
pop star that his freedom to be worshipped could be in jeopardy. “We may
have to put him into the witness protection program, send him to someplace like
France and make him get facial reconstruction surgery, “officials disclosed.
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