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How it all began...

photo courtesy of Wizard of Whimsy

Ever since Son-of-Bush sat down in Rummy’s lap to see the “vision thing,” there was a dream far beyond the dollars that would be filling the Halliburton bank accounts of Dick Cheney and black crude that would soon be filling the hulls of Chevron’s SS Condoleezza Rice.

Unlike Daddy, Son-of-Bush would never be forced into “regime change,” and the Iraqi people would celebrate American “liberators” by bringing them high fives, flowers, and freshly fried freedom fries. The liberators in turn would bring candy for the children, nylons for the women and “shock and awe” to the Republican Guard.
Until recently, however, happy Iraqi people have been as hard to find as weapons of mass destruction. Instead, the enemies of Saddam have taken their time in appreciating their liberators. As with the people of Europe, Asia and Africa, George W. Bush has proven to be a uniter, not a divider. The people who once hated Saddam are now united in hating George W. Bush.

Finally, there was a break this week, as US troops began to take their march into Baghdad seriously. As nightly bombings convinced Baghdad residents that their daylight time was worth saving, and that sleeping with an annoying snorer was not the worst thing that could happen, propaganda ministers from the “coalition of the willing” gave sleepless Iraqis millions of leaflets to read.

The leaflets were attached to an airline-sized bottle of Jack Daniels and a centerfold picture of Playboy‘s Playmate of the month. A copy of several artist conceptions of former President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky having sex in the White House were also included in the leaflets. Finally, printed copies of electronic mail promising prescription-free access to medicine that would make every man a stallion completed the look at purple mountain majesties. “A country that was being reluctantly liberated needed some inspiration for what lay ahead,” said Brigadier General AyeLuv Hooters.”. What better demonstration of the American way of life than a look at Spoils of War?”

The propaganda campaign worked swimmingly amidst the desert-parched, war-torn civilians who had been only too willing to literally take up arms with their suicide bombing uniforms.

US Forces were able to march freely into Baghdad, as resistance melted amidst the key Republican Guard troops enforcing a ring around the gated city. A New York Times reporter was visibly stunned when he saw a native Iraqi man cheer the ouster of local Baath Party officials with cheers outside of Najav. What was he expecting from the American takeover, the reporter asked?

“Democracy, Whiskey, and Sexy!” the native shouted back to cheers.

Not only had Rummy developed a plan that would make the testosterone-infected populations drop their resistance, the plan would create a new Sodom & Gomorrah in the Desert that would make the original Las Vegas look like a Church Bingo Hall in comparison. Soon, there would be prostitution, gambling and breast enlargement clinics amidst the oil field workers yearning to share a 99-cent buffet.

More importantly, leading the Iraqi people into sinful lifestyle would assure that their numbers would never become attached to the likes of Al Qaeida. “In fact, “ Rumsfeld admitted with a cackle of laughter, “ Osama bin Laden will now have to get busy bringing the Taliban to Iraq, he won’t have time to set up terrorist strikes within the US!”

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