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A Letter from Camp Kennebunkport

Baghdad — Inflamed by Collin Powell’s fiery presentation before the UN Security Council, Iraqi representatives defended photographs of alleged chemical weapons facilities on wheels as “nothing more” than a tribute to a “besmirched American.”

The so-called “mobile chemical weapons factories” are nothing more than smuggled ingredients and blue light specials from a Jordanian K-Mart, the ambassador revealed. “The satellite photos just don’t do any justice to the elegance of Your Majesty Purple, “he added. “Those trucks are sent out in the desert at night to fulfill our president's fanatical taste for exotic taste treats!” the ambassador asserted.

Saddam Hussein was simply engaged in all things Martha Stewart, the ambassador said. The Iraqi President has been fascinated with the American diva of perfection ever since then-ambassador Donald Rumsfeld brought a Martha Stewart birthday cake back in the early 80’s — along with Saddam’s monthly weapons order. “The cake was just screaming with a heavenly ganache and decorated with Marzipan shaped in the form of Persian tapestry, “the ambassador noted.

After Rumsfeld, Poindexter, North and company started sending similar pastries to Iran in the midst of a bitter conflict between the neighboring countries, (some of them filled with weapons to use against Saddam) the Iraqi leader became angry with the US. Even an attack on the naval USS Stark that killed 37 sailors in 1987 didn’t convince the Reagan and Bush administrations that its shipments of Martha Stewart pastry products to Iraq had to be maintained to maintain access to Iraqi oil.

Saddam’s stomach, deprived of the macaroons he loved, became decidedly angrier. His growling anger stormed the oil fields of Kuwait in hopes of finding a scarlet red paint chip, or a hint of morning mist that would reveal a link to the queen of Everyday High Society. “You can only eat Pistachios for so long,” Saddam reportedly told his Republican Guard. “We’ve got to get someone who can bake us all a Martha Stewart pecan pie!”

But soon, Saddam’s isolation from the world was complete. His CNN satellite connection was cut off by an errant bomb that dropped from the no-fly zone to Saddam’s summer dacha. While the Playboy channel amused Saddam for a while, his fantasies tended to the middle-aged former model from Nutley, NJ. “Just a sip of her hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter night would give me the jollies,” Saddam confessed. “It’s just too bad we don’t have many cold winter nights here.”

When all seemed lost, Saddam discovered there was one last hope. As federal investigators stormed down on the Martha Stewart Empire, Saddam found both drops of compassion within his heart to consider his idol’s outrageous fortune. He was astounded that a woman of such beauty and talent could also be a financial wizard. “She is everything I want to be,” Saddam thought.

Moved by his love, Saddam began late-night incursions into neighboring countries to stock up on Stewart basics like coconut, chocolate, and the finest silver whips. He fashioned former chemical weapons depositories into elegant kitchens fit for the mother of all that is pretty and pink. Orders for anthrax, serin gas and uranium were quickly adjusted to coco beans, exotic teas and vanilla extract.

Finally, Saddam was ready to approach the object of his lust. In his premier presidential palace, surrounded by Martha Stewart’s finest K-Mart linens, Saddam lit candles that screamed of Arabian Nights, Baby Powder, and Wisteria. He fashioned together Martha Stewart Coordinated Color paint cards into a mesmerizing holiday card. “Come be my concubine and I will protect you from the infidel authorities from the Spring Greens into the Autumnal mist,” the card read.

“ Dear Saddam,” read the response. “I have a chicken salad to make.”