Showdown at Ways & Means

"Ways & Means Democrats were subjected to an indignity, an indignity no member should have to endure" — Nancy Pelosi

It’s a long time from the hopes of January to the reality of a hot, muggy and divisive July in Washington, DC. The great White Hope of Congressional Republicans to demonstrate their full-strength legislative locomotive leaving the station keeps running into the grinding debris of democracy.

John Ashcroft’s Justice Department is working hard on an updated version of the Patriot Act that makes the participation of minority Democrats in legislative deliberations unconstitutional. In the interim, Republicans attempted to push a test case by having Democrats arrested at a hearing of the Ways and Means Committee on a revised pension plan.

Abigail Smith, a middle-school teacher who had brought pupils from her suburban Virginia social studies class had to be revived from her fainting spell as she watched the hearing in horror. She was philosophical on her recovery at Georgetown University Hospital, “I was warned that I shouldn’t bring the kids to watch legislation being made,” she said. “I guess now, I’ll have to take the kids to a sausage plant.”

House Republicans said there was nothing wrong with rushing through a bill without consideration and public reading. “All of us Republicans have agreed to agree,” Rep. Bill Thomas (R-California) — the committee chairman — said. “Who cares what a bunch of mealy-mouthed, faggot socialists think. “

The Rev. Pat Robertson expressed surprise at the hearing. “I’m surprised Republicans didn’t give me advance notice of the hearing so I could invite a couple of liberal Supreme Court Justices with weak hearts,” he said.

Congressional Aides present at the hearing said there was so much confusion in the room that few members could make sense of what happened. “Apparently Rep. (Fourtney Peter) Stark, (D – California) was giving Rep. Thomas a wedgie and a noogie on the head,” one Republican staffer said.

“No, that’s not what happened, “a Democratic staffer rebounded. “ Stark was simply trying to offer his fellow Californian a fruitcake, the official mascot of the Recall Gray Davis committee.”

“Why you little Saddam-loving, French cheese-eating, weapon of mass deception…. “the GOP staffer yelled out as he reached for her neck.

Some members of the committee said they offered a compromise to the Ways and Means Committee chair prior to the point where police were called. “We wanted to bring in a fact checker, but I was told they were all recently engaged at the White House! “

The Justice Department immediately forwarded additional legislation that would make an assault on anyone in the Republican leadership in Congress a federal offense subject to a military tribunal and a potential death penalty.

“Can’t we all just get along?” Vermont’s Independent Rep. Bernard Sanders said.

“How can we perpetuate this outrage,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “British authorities have told me that Nancy Pelosi has been negotiating with sources of “yellowcake uranium, “in Africa.”

“Stuff it, Dennis,” Pelosi responded. “I had a fundraiser at the African Sahara exhibit at the San Francisco Zoo, and I served my very special yellowcake recipe! “ Pelosi said.