Exposing the Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail
"We Will Have More Money Than God!"
Bush for Sure in 2004 ?
Washington —The guns of compassionate conservatism have been mostly silenced in Iraq, except for the occasional target practice on citizens who question their liberation. In this country, homosexuals have achieved equal rights with pedophiles and those who make advances on cocker spaniels. Poor people have been all but eliminated thanks to state budget cuts forced by the current depression.
“More money than God,” refers to the Bush
re-election campaign that can now get underway with its goal of achieving
those last 500,000 votes Bush needed to win the 2000 election. Having
just defeated a popular Iraqi official who won his last election with
99 percent of the vote, Bush believes he’s ready for a roll.
In addition to those who will be sending in some of their
dividend tax savings to the Bush campaign, there will be new money from
the liberated Iraqi oil workers. “What else could we do but send
some of our token oil profits to keep our liberator in office?”
An Iraqi oil official noted.
Even though the Bush campaign has more than enough money
to win the election and placement of millions of butterfly ballots in
every state in the country, campaign officials promise some additional
insurance measures to keep Bush in the White House.
“You’re either with us, or you are with the
terrorist!” will be the theme of the 2004 GOP campaign. “It
doesn’t quite have the ring of “It’s the economy, stupid,”
a Bush campaign marketing aide admitted, “but I think when voters
are shown the facilities we built on Guantanomo Bay for those who continue
to be reluctant to keep this administration in office, they will get the
Just in case they don’t, Attorney General John Ashcroft
has proposed new legislation that will require voters to submit a DNA
sample with their ballots in the November election. “This simply
protects America’s tradition of a secret ballot,” Ashcroft
said while autographing copies of his new book Good Is Evil: An Insider’s
Look at Patriot II.
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay will be named chairman of the
“Let’s Forget Florida” committee charged with keeping
Bush in the White House rather than in a Belgian jail after his impending
war crimes trial. “Considering everything that’s happened,
“Lay recalled, “being Kenny-Boy for Bush, beats being somebody’s
bitch in a federal prison.”
Lay says he will keep the lights on for Bush in 2004,
just as he promised to keep the lights on in California during 2001. In
preparation, Lay says he will send a huge donation to the Al Sharpton
for President Committee to make Sharpton the Democratic front runner.
“We Republicans must do everything we can to promote diversity,”
Georgia’s new Republican Senator will be brought
in to advise the Republican campaign how to make honored Vietnam War Veteran
John Kerry seem like a traitor, while still another dirty tricks effort
will organize a “Nazis for Lieberman” committee. Christian
conservatives will march on New Hampshire with tales of Howard Dean sending
Vermont homosexuals sucking maple syrup from New Hampshire trees and selling
the syrup as a Vermont product.
A former tobacco company marketing director now working
on behalf of the Bush campaign says the key to Bush’s election will
be to continue America’s current addiction to the commander-in-chief.
He notes that despite the fact that Osama bin Laden is still at large
and people are still dying in Afghanistan, America gives high marks to
its commander-in-chief. Despite the fact that many Iraqis are reluctant
to be liberated, and Saddam Hussein is still at large, the general public
still loves its war-commander. “As long as the White House keeps
blowing smoke on the Big Picture, America will continue to breathe it
in,” the marketing man acknowledged.
But what of America’s faith-based interest in doing
good and eschewing evil?
“Hey, “the marketing director noted, “You heard the man, we’ve got more money than God.”
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