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| Boost Minimum Wage to $7 per minute? An America That
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Kerry says his presidential campaign has put him in touch with the “unwashed masses” of poverty throughout America. “A minimum wage of $7 per minute will buy a lot of expensive soap, and no one will ever have to go dirty again,” Kerry said. “Also, by raising the minimum wage to $420 per hour, we will find out if people really DO like being homeless.” Kerry admitted that even $420 per hour may not be enough for poor people to achieve some of the pleasures he and his friends take for granted. “It’s hard to find a Penthouse overlooking the water these days for less than five grand a month,” Kerry admitted. Still, Kerry says, by increasing the incomes of millions of poor people throughout the US, there will be an economic explosion for luxury cars, upscale clothing and jewelry and other high-priced items. “I was aghast when I discovered that there are people out there who have never tasted a fine Brie or a vintage Chardonnay.” Kerry admitted. “It’s no wonder the Bush administration is able to turn the American people against the French.” Kerry denounced Republican claims that the sharp increase in the minimum wage may require some employers to be more competitive in selecting employees or find technology to automate jobs now filled by minimum wage workers. “When you are sitting in a fancy downtown steakhouse, ordering a 1995 Dom Perignon, chances are you won’t sit still for some automatic wine steward filling your glasses,” Kerry said. “The same goes for other low-income occupations such as country club valets and nanny’s for the children… Mon Dieu! Do you think we will sit still and allow some robot to attend to our children’s piano lessons?” Some members of Kerry’s campaign organization demonstrating un-manicured fingernails tried to tell the senator that not every American household includes nannies and that some fast food outlets do not even employ wine stewards. Kerry was warned that his patrician experience might be seen as out-of-touch as that of George Bush’s father, who once expressed amazement at the concept of a supermarket checkout scanner. “By raising the minimum raise by a mere $414.85 from the current 5.15 per hour, low income people can finally enjoy the self respect that comes from earning a decent living for hard work,” Kerry says. “That extra $414.85 comes out to an extra $16, 592 per week and an extra $862,784 for every low-income worker every year, “the senator said. “With that kind of incentive, low-income workers will take pride in their work — service personnel everywhere in America will no longer have a reason to be rude.” Meanwhile, the Bush campaign began running commercials saying that America should not balance its economic structure on the back of “old money.” Rich people, the commercials notes have a long tradition of “trickling down” upon low income workers. “When low-income workers achieve the upper tax brackets around a million dollars per year, there will be no one left to pay taxes,” Republicans said. An aide to Kerry said under the new minimum wage structure, Captains of Industry will have their incomes diminished sufficiently to qualify for higher taxes. “It’s time they started feeling what it’s like to make $7 per hour,” the aide to Kerry said. |
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