when I thought my lease was going to expire on Camp
Kennebunkport, here I am again! The landlord gave us
a four-year extension just in time for Christmas! I
bet you must be proud of me, since you and Mom got kicked
out in just four years.
You may remember last time it was
hard to pull off my Supreme Court mandate, especially
when those blue state heathens kept trying to tell me
I never graduated from the Electoral College. I told
‘em that my degrees from Harvard and Yale were
the absolute best money could buy!
This time, Karl got me a graduate degree that says I
not only graduated from the Electoral College but that
I forced Dan Rather to retire! God and Diebold willing
I got myself a three percent landslide! That’s
enough political capital to buy myself an invasion of
the Iran oil fields and the elimination of the entire
US pretzel industry…
I’m sorry you weren’t able to make the victory
party we held over at Colin Powell’s office. I
guess we should have told Colin we were having that
party at his office, but he was probably happier in
Africa anyway. Laura says he may be writing a book too,
but hopefully he won’t finish it before 2009,
when Jeb is ready to take over the White House.
Condi will be much happier at the State Department than
Colin was, and she’ll have an easy time of it
too. She’ll actually read the scripts Karl and
Dickie-boy sent over to her office and she’s already
rehearsing the weapons of mass destruction discovery
we’re going to make in France this Spring.
It was good to see you down in the red state of Arkansas
last week, even if it was to dignify the Shrine of the
Blue Dress. Good thing that Willie-boy had a ticker
problem during the campaign season or he might have
made this election closer than the one in 2000. Speaking
of presidential libraries, I’m starting to look
for good locations for mine. The opposition party in
the Ukraine has offered a spot in Kiev, right next to
the shrine they are putting up to honor the recent election.
They say I have something in common with those who counted
ballots in the Ukraine. I was thinking that we could
burn down the whole city of Fallujah in Iraq, and put
my library in its place. Laura says we actually have
to put a book in the library… is that true? Maybe
we can save a current Crawford telephone directory…
I’m looking forward to a wonderful year in 2005,
as we celebrate our strong Republican moral values.
My inaugural balls will feature powdered donuts for
everyone and Gov. Perry is going to ship up three residents
of death row at Huntsville Prison, just so I can go
ahead and sign their death warrants. Talk about throwing
the switch at midnight… is this a great country
Well, I’ve got to go, Dickie-boy just found a
great solution for our dual problems of poverty in America
and the need for additional Army troops to fulfill our
wanderlust in the Middle East.
Yours in security,