January

6- John Ashcroft walks into the Justice Department, headed for a prayer meeting on the first work day of the New Year, and discovers the government-sponsored curtains he ordered draped on a naked statue have been slashed. Security cameras show a figure resembling Osama bin Laden attempting to replace the curtains with an Afghani burqua. Ashcroft sends an email to Osama thanking him for the holiday gesture.

20 - Trent Lott celebrates the Martin Luther King holiday for the first time by throwing a Kwanza party. He is disappointed when told that Kwanza was celebrated a month before.

20 - President Bush celebrates Martin Luther King Day by launching a major bombing attack on Iraq. "Like Dr. King, I too have a dream, "the president tells the American people. "I dream that one day my children will not be judged by their consumption of alcohol, but by their consumption of plentiful Iraqi oil.

February

2 - Trent Lott sees the shadow of his civil rights record on Groundhog's Day morning and forecasts six more weeks of remorse.

10 - Senate Majority Leader and physician, Bill Frist , pushes a new "Patient's Bill of Rights through the 108th Congress. Under the new Bill of Rights, the patient has the right to die while waiting for medical care.

24- With just a year to go before the New Hampshire Primary, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is caught getting an expensive haircut on the tarmac of the Manchester, NH airport, while other flights are grounded. Kerry's Democratic Primary opponents demand a special prosecutor to investigate the matter.

March

11 - A major raid by the New Orleans Police during Mardi Gras nets at least a dozen members of the Bush family on various alcohol and drug related charges. Police demand that Jenna and Barbara Bush powder their noses and "put on some clothes," after they were arrested for throwing up on the "Margarita Ville" float during the Mardi Gras parade.

13- The GOP-dominated 108th Congress begins its session with the overwhelming approval of a bill that would make CEO's of failed companies eligible for newly established faith-based food pantries featuring gourmet provisions like Brie and rare wines. Meanwhile, GOP leaders approve an extra week of benefits to those who have exhausted their unemployment insurance. Benefit checks will be in the mail in time for the November 2004 elections.

25- Martha Stewart fights back against Insider Trading charges by announcing her candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2004. "I may not be an alpha male like Al Gore, " Stewart, gaining confidence from insider polling information, says, "but I am a lot prettier than George W. Bush."

April

15 - The Bush Administration's Antitrust Division within the Justice Department approves Microsoft's plan to acquire IBM, Hewlett Packard and Dell Computer, along with numerous software companies. In return, Bill Gates offers to pay the income taxes of all Americans on April 15, 2004.

21 - John Ashcroft discovers rotten Easter eggs in his breakfast, reportedly gathered during the White House Easter Egg Hunt on the lawn. The Attorney General denounces Easter Egg Hunts as a "terrorist plot," and calls in the White House Easter Bunny for interrogation.

May

1 - Trent Lott speaks at the Joseph McCarthy museum in Appleton, Wisconsin, recalling that he and his Mississippi brothers had never turned to Communism and that if America had elected McCarthy President in 1952 instead of Dwight Eisenhower, the country wouldn't be run by the Communists in Washington today. In response, President Bush says he was never a Communist, but had leanings toward Tau Kappa Epsilon while in college.

10- EPA Chief Christine Todd Whitman tenders her resignation in disgust, saying "I've had it with this administration," after President Bush continues his crusade against environmental legislation with an executive order that eliminates all pooper-scooper laws in national parks. "I'm going back to New Jersey where we appreciate the environment," Whitman tells a hastily called press conference.

30 - George W. Bush joins Alan Greenspan at the Federal Reserve Bank in New York City to place a wreath at the tomb of the unknown Clinton Administration federal surplus. "I regret that I hardly had a chance to know ya," Bush, clearly babbling during the Memorial Day service, noted, "I guess we all just misunderestimated you. "

June

6 - After consuming one too many French pastries at the G-8 economic conference, George W. Bush follows in his father's footsteps and throws up on French President Jacques Chirac. In retaliation, the French cancel Bush's plans to visit Euro Disneyland.

30 - The US Supreme Court majority rules that not only are the words "Under God" constitutional in the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, but they should also appear on the American Flag, in neon over the White House and branded on the chest of every heathen unbeliever in America. Attorney General John Ashcroft beams and orders that former President Bill Clinton be the first to be branded on national television.

July

4- Trent Lott speaks at Independence Hall in Philadelphia reminiscing about his childhood "hero," King George III. "If only we had elected to stay with King George instead of that other George, we might not have had to deal with the slavery issue at all," Lott advised the Daughters of the American Revolution faithful.

12 - Iraqi President Saddam Hussein unleashes a major chemical weapons attack in the form of asbestos taken from devastated buildings hit with "collateral damage" in the original Persian Gulf War. Hussein notes, however, that Bush's Environmental Protection Agency had previously approved the same levels of asbestos in US construction projects.

August

4 - Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CN) welcomes Trent Lott to "Hymietown," as Lott appears in a traveling minstrel show in Long Island, NY. Lieberman's remarks threaten to diminish his chances of becoming America's first Jewish president.

19- The Republican Party holds its first "Clinton Day" dinner in Washington, DC, hosted by former Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr at the Watergate Hotel. The birthday of the 42nd President of the United States is a time for all Republicans to rejoice, Starr noted. "Imagine how poor we would all be if Clinton had never been President, "Starr said remorsefully.

September

8 - Attorney General John Ashcroft, joined by Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao noting the "terrorist history" of the American labor movement calls on Congress to remove the Labor Day Holiday from the calendar. "These people not only have a history of bombing buildings, executing law enforcement officers and diminishing the profits of our corporate classes, "Ashcroft revealed, "they actually expect an honest day's wages for the privilege of doing the will of our revered financiers. "

22 - As the Iraqi war drags on, North Korea wins a $200 billion defamation law suit that will force television stations to stop showing reruns of M*A*S*H after 30 years. North Korea had threatened a nuclear attack on America if the syndicated reruns were not stopped until famed attorney Johnny Cochran offered to defend the country in a Los Angeles court room. "If the show no longer fits, you must put a stop to it," Cochran said in his closing statement.

29- On the season-premiere of ABC's "Bachelor," Jenna Bush is shown swooning for an obviously affluent Saudi Arabian military commander. "Isn't Osama darling, "Jenna is shown asking her mother, "and I hear his family owns a chain of liquor stores in Saudi Arabia!

October

8- In preparation for the 2004 Congressional elections, Democrats sneak through a bill that would change the celebration of Strom Thurmond's birthday from December to October. Democrats say there is no truth to the rumors that the bill is connected to last week's announcement that George W. Bush will speak at Thurmond's 102nd birthday party in 2004.

31 - Osama bin Laden is greeted at the White House door dressed as himself. "What a cute costume," Laura Bush remarks as she hands bin Laden a Snickers bar. "Trick or Treat," bin Laden says as he throws a pile of fiery dog droppings on the White House porch.

November

3 - Trent Lott visits the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas and notes that if more homosexuals had taken up the piano like Liberace, they would not be doing the disgusting things they do in their bedroom and might be more tolerable.

20 - Martha Stewart becomes the Democratic frontrunner after helping millions of newly homeless living in "Bushville" tents make their quarters more homey. Stewart outlines methods of extracting heat from nearby frozen lakes while creating colorful holiday decorations without the need of a space-consuming tree.

December

15 - The Republican majority in Congress finally passes prescription drug coverage for seniors covered by Medicare. Under the plan, seniors are guaranteed free video tapes of drug company television commercials so that they can experience what they might feel like if Medicare covered prescriptions.

24 - Secretary of State Colin Powell is invited to the White House for Christmas Eve dinner that includes UN weapons inspectors that just completed their year-long effort to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The weapons inspectors found a single BB gun, some poppers and a pair of slingshots. In tribute to the Powell-led peace effort in Iraq, Bush asks the Secretary of State to dine at the children's table.