January

1 - California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appears on the Jay Leno show to announce that he is tired of being governor after three months in office. He says he can not rest in Sacramento when “aliens” are being denied access to the Oval Office. Secret Service Agents are rushed to Sacramento after Schwarzenegger says he will “terminate Bush” despite his ineligibility under the Constitution.

6 – Lawyers preparing for Saddam Hussein’s trial announce that they not only have the despot’s receipts for weapons of mass destruction sent to Iraq by the Reagan administration, but they also have pictures of a young George W. Bush consuming masses of “white powdered donuts” in the White House kitchen, and the model for a still built by young George Bush at Saddam’s Imperial Palace.

19 – Al Sharpton is the surprise winner of the Iowa caucus on Martin Luther King’s birthday after announcing — like King — he is being shadowed by the FBI. Despite denials by FBI officials that they thought they were following James Brown, Sharpton tells his followers: “I have a dream, that John Ashcroft will no longer be judged by the color of the terror alert, but by the character of his Patriot Act. “

27 – Despite Sen. John Kerry’s last-minute appeal to “make America look more like Massachusetts,” the veteran senator is defeated in a New Hampshire primary landslide. Kerry immediately drops out of the race, and endorses his fellow Senator Carol Mosley Braun.

February

2 - Osama bin Laden crawls out of a hole in Iraq on Groundhog's Day but is reminded that there will still be eight more months of campaigning before the October surprise.

3 - In the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, Joseph Lieberman wins the South Carolina primary competition. To the surprise of George W. Bush, Lieberman wins the GOP primary, handing Bush his first defeat.

17- In a continuing effort to get George W. Bush's attention, the name of North Korean President Kim Jong Il is added to the Wisconsin primary ballot. For the second time in the GOP primary season, Bush finds himself in second place. "I tasted Kimg Jong Il during a visit to San Francisco recently, and I found it quite satisfying," a Republican voter in Brookfield, Wisconsin says.

March

2- Schwarzenegger defeats Bush in the California GOP primary, says he "can't wait to get his hands on Mrs. Bush!"

2- Little-known stealth candidate, former California Governor Gray Davis wins the Democratic primary in New York, while New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer demands a recall of the results.

2- House Majority Leader Tom Delay accidentally wins a test run in the Texas GOP Primary, sending George W. Bush to still another defeat. Bush is consoled when Delay says he will endorse the former Texas governor if he decides to run for Delay's seat in Congress.

10- Alex Rodriguez, the first player-owner of the Boston Red Sox invites a defeated George W. Bush to play deep right field for the Sox, at more than twice his White House salary. Bush promises to report to Spring Training if Major League Baseball will cut the Red Sox' luxury tax and the Yankees sign Saddam Hussein as their manager.

16 - Favorite son, and indicted former Gov. George Ryan defeats George W. Bush in the Illinois GOP primary, sending the incumbent President reeling in his fight toward the nomination. "Not even Osama bin Laden can save me now, " Bush cries out in resignation during a nationally televised speech. The terrorist at large sends condolences to Bush and throws his support to North Korean President Kim Jong Il.

April

1 - A severely depressed and unshaven George W. Bush is seen being filmed in a doctor's office having a tongue depressor shoved in his mouth. The visit comes shortly after Laura Bush announces she is filing for divorce from Dubya and plans to run for the US Senate seat of Kay Bailey Hutchinson as a Democrat. Told that Hutchinson's seat is not open until 2006, she answered, " when have Texas politicians ever cared about the rules?"

27- The Pennsylvania Primary confirms Joe Lieberman's standing as the leader in GOP delegates. He tells Christian coalition groups that he will keep the GOP oath "kosher," and that he will respect the Republican's right to keep him out of their country clubs.

May

1 - Al Gore is incensed by Lieberman’s attempt to use a portrait of himself and Gore (the duly elected President elected in 2000) taken in a hot tub on the set of “Saturday Night Live. Gore is further agitated at Lieberman’s plan to post the photo on Lieberman’s Web site for the current campaign. In a rage, Gore denies Lieberman access to the Internet. “Mayday, Mayday, “ Lieberman cries out.

15- Attorney General John Ashcroft announces that under the recently passed Patriot Act III the primaries held earlier in the year are illegitimate. The commander-in-chief, Ashcroft says, has ordered US troops to invade Burlington, Vermont and seize the Dean campaign operation.

June

1 – Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle says he respects the Bush administration’s bid to curtail the early primary results, but he has some questions regarding Patriot Act III. Daschle says he has gone through the Congressional hopper and has found no actual paperwork regarding the legislation. Daschle says Ashcroft needs to present a full accounting regarding the legislation and use “more pleasant language” in the Patriot Act legislations.

4- In one last struggle to retain the GOP nomination, George W. Bush trots out Osama bin Laden at what he expects to be a nationally televised news conference. A White House clerk said to be close to Laura Bush, plugs in a vanity mirror on her desk, which brings down the Northeast power grid for the second year in a row. Instead, Osama denounces the primitive US power system and leaves town before electricity can be restored.

14 - Ashcroft declares Daschle a malcontent and orders his public execution, along with any primary voter that did not vote for George W. Bush. Later he amends his order to include anyone who voted for the late Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan who posthumously opposed Ashcroft’s re-election as US Senator in 2000.

22 – After being confronted by an Internet-aroused group of Deaniacs in a Justice Department hallway, Ashcroft says the whole Patriot III thing was just a prank. The Deaniacs threaten to remove the curtain over the exposed breasts of Lady Justice if Ashcroft ever attempts to make light of the US Constitution again.

July

4 – The Department of Homeland Security sheepishly admits that even though someone has stolen the Statue of Liberty from New York Harbor, that America is much safer than it has ever been since September 11, 2001. Secretary Tom Ridge announces that a full investigation of the theft will be conducted after the severely stretched US Army returns from its quagmire in Iraq.

11 – In a second attack on a national treasure, neocon sandblasters remove the image of Abraham Lincoln on Mount Rushmore and replace it with the image of radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. Upon their capture, the pranksters blame their action on an overdose of prescription pain pills.

28 - Howard Dean accepts the nomination of the Democratic Party by planting a huge surprise kiss on the lips of Democratic Chairman Terry McAuliffe in Boston’s Fleet Center.. The moment is the most electrifying kiss at a Democratic National Convention since Al and Tipper Gore shared center stage.

August

15 - House Majority Leader Tom Delay unveils the stolen statue of Liberty onboard his personal cruise ship in New York harbor. Delay, in town for the upcoming GOP convention in New York, says the theft of the statue was a prank he had been wanting to pull off since his fraternity days. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says Delay and his cruise ship should sail for Omaha, Nebraska immediately.

19 – Early GOP visitors to the Republican Convention in New York, decide to drop in for a surprise “Clinton Day” visit to the former US President. In their hopes to catch Clinton with his pants down, the group that includes former special prosecutor Kenneth Starr is assaulted by a team of penis-consuming rottweilers that protect the East Coast Playboy mansion.

29 - The GOP convention opens in New York’s Madison Square Garden decorated to match the feel of the Houston Astrodome that began the trail to George H. W. Bush’s second term. The younger Bush, however, despondent in his fall from power and fall from marriage, falls into a pile of too realistic mad cow droppings.

September

1- Joseph Lieberman accepts the GOP nomination for president, promising to retain Dick Cheney and his entire team of advisors. Lieberman promises the people a continuation of war and pestilence, noting that the Gore-Dean era of technology uber-alles is officially over.

3 - George W. Bush leaves for an extended vacation at his Crawford Ranch. Sources say he is not sure if he will return to watch the inaugural of his successor in Washington, DC.

19 – Laura Bush commands an upset victory in an unscheduled Democratic primary for the US Senate seat from Texas. The now former Mrs. Bush gets the endorsement of former Gov. Ann Richards who personally pulls the silver foot from Laura’s mouth.

24 - Joe Lieberman misses Yom Kippur services at his synagogue for the first time in his life because of the pressures of the presidential race. Sadly, for Lieberman, Howard Dean’s revised roadmap for peace in the Middle East is the talk of Yom Kippur services everywhere.

October

2 - Osama bin Laden sneaks a video tape into the headquarters of Fox News, threatening to “bring Texas to its knees, “ unless George W. Bush is returned to his rightful place as the leader of the free world. The world responds with “Osama who?”

15 – Arnold Schwarzenegger says even though he failed to win the GOP nomination for President, he will organize a recall of whoever is elected in November. He says it is time that America had a president who can interpret the Ashcroft Constitution in the original German.

29 - The Republican Dirty Tricks Department sends off last minute graphic emails to Dean voters, showing a photograph of Dean morphing into Bill Gates having a “last laugh.”

November

2 - Dean wins in a landslide corresponding to the number of new Microsoft Windows-based voting machines installed versus those built by GOP stalwart Diebold. . The final numbers are announced on MSNBC before the polls open in the Atlantic Time Zone.

4 – The GOP announces a Supreme Court challenge to Dean’s 25 million vote advantage. It says the party’s electoral victories in Mississippi and Alabama should count for something. Justice Clarence Thomas and Anthony Scalia announce their support for the GOP position. “I just want to retire,” says Sandra Day O’Connor in expressing support for the GOP. “I wish they’d stop voting for Democrats, so I can retire,” O’Connor adds.

7- To avoid looking suspicious, the Supreme Court throws out all the votes cast on both Microsoft and Diebold machines, leaving 14 write-in votes for Ralph Nader as the winning majority.

14- Nader announces that he will not accept his election as President of the US. “This will severely affect my ability to run as a spoiler in a future elections,“ Nader admits.

25- Al Gore announces that the Supreme Court has appointed him President of the United States as long as George W. Bush is allowed to pick a successor to Sandra Day O’Connor. Bush selects his wife Laura as Justice, bringing the couple back together again.

December

1 – Hillary Clinton announces she will NOT be a candidate to oppose President-elect Al Gore in 2008. She does, however, request that Gore appoint her to the US Supreme Court. “When there’s no more moonshine over Tennessee,” Gore responds.

20 - Incumbent President George W. Bush, entering the last weeks of his term calls Vice President Dick Cheney at an undisclosed location asking him to explain the $15 million charge placed by Halliburton on Bush’s credit card for the fake turkey center piece during Bush’s 2003 Thanksgiving visit to Iraq.

31 – Outgoing President Bush calls Osama bin Laden to inquire about job openings in the Al Queada organization. Dick Cheney answers the phone.