New York —Shock and awe spread from one
cable television newsroom to another. The American attention span
had ambushed still another reality show. After nearly a full year
of hype, Bombs Over Baghdad was beginning to resemble a buffet table
fit for Calista Flockhart after only a week’s worth of episodes.
Television news executives had hoped that the war would give them
promotional opportunities to advertise their spring lineup of reality
shows, while pharmaceutical companies bought untold hours of promotional
time to get viewers to “ask your doctor about Prozac, Zoloft
and aluminum foil beanies to avoid alien mind control.”
Hope sprang eternal from the White House to Capitol Hill that War
could do what Washington could not — fix an economy that was
burning faster than venture capital at a failing dot.com.
But despite promises of “targets of opportunity,” “decapitation”
and the previously mentioned “shock and awe,” it took
just days for Americans to rise up in protest to the first major
online war. “I’ve got video games that are far more
bloodier than this,” said one American nine-year-old who threatened
to turn off his television and go back to reading comic books.
Network and cable television news executives denied reports that
they had asked American troops to eat spiders and break into separate
gender-based groups in order to make the conflict more interesting.
Insiders say at least one Fox News producer suggested that American
troops be served the same diet consumed by the average Iraqi during
the UN-imposed sanctions designed to bring Saddam Hussein to his
knees. Geneva Convention rules, however, eliminated that dramatic
possibility.
Sources on Capitol Hill are now afraid that television will not
allow the war to drag past the April 21, premiere of the Fox reality
show “Mr. Personality.” The new show will star former
White House intern Monica Lewinsky who will lead a lineup of masked
men hiding their appearances from female contestants forced to choose
a man of their dreams without considering looks. Despite the show’s
promise, the Bush administration fears that Ms. Lewinsky’s
performance may bring America to its knees. “It will remind
America of a time when you only needed to have personality and talent
to get a job, and presidents made love, not war.”
Television executives now fear that if the war continues, the American
public may lose its appetite for reality TV altogether. This would
put stress on executives to revive a quaint Hollywood practice long
forgotten. “Imagine the economic effect on Hollywood if we
are forced to hire creative people again!” one executive shuddered.
Deep in a janitor’s closet at Fox News, however, one executive
who admits to deep affection for this war, made plans to keep the
war on the air. He noted that CBS was able to keep the Korean War
going twice the length of the original war through the magic of
M*A*S*H. “If we could just sit down with agents for Saddam
and Dubya , we might be able to find some comedic talent in their
personalities.” The executive said, “ I can see Dubya
as kind of a ‘Hawkeye Pierce,’ and Saddam as ‘Trapper
John.’ “
The executive said he was on the phone to Monica Lewinsky’s
agent to see if she could help find a personality in either of the
two combatants.
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