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In
the News
Humorists Surrender
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 Former
President Bill Clinton confirmed rumors that he would campaign as an alternative
candidate to New York's Republican Gov. George Pataki. A surprise court
decision over the weekend ruled that voters in any state can remove their
governor in a California–style recall.
“I miss being governor, signing things like death warrants for Arkansas
bimbos who get nose jobs, and participating in ceremonies like the inaugural
of George W. Bush as baseball commissioner,” Clinton said. “Hillary
likes signing things too, especially checks from her publisher.“
The New York recall effort followed by hours the greatest blackout in
the history of the US. The international blackout put out the lights from
New Jersey to Ontario for more than a day in some cases. Lawyers convinced
the court that under the equal protection clause of the US Constitution,
if California voters could oust their governor because the lights went
out in the golden state on a regular basis in 1981, Pataki could face
the dark side as well. “Besides, one New Yorker argued, “like
California, the state of New York is experiencing a huge budget deficit
as well.”
Lawyers on behalf of the state argued that New York has no provision for
a recall election as California does. Arguments on behalf of recall proponent
demonstrated that creators of the California recall did not allow for
the recall of a governor simply because he is unpopular. “The law
has been bastardized already in California, “one counselor argued,
why we can’t have a bastard law in New York?
Like California Governor Gray Davis, Pataki has lost some of his popularity
since being elected last fall. “How can I make long-term decisions
for this state if I’m subject to being thrown out of office every
time I make an unpopular decision?” Pataki asked rhetorically.
Recall organizers who organized the split-second signature drive drew
from millions of passengers on New York subway and commuter trains. “It
wasn’t hard to find a couple of hundred thousand angry New Yorkers,”
one organizer said.
Upon hearing of the signature effort, recall opponents rushed to convert
some people caught in the traffic squeeze to the good side of power blackouts.
“We were all set to bring a giant screen to Grand Central Station
and have a free showing of the “Where Were You When the Lights Went
Out, “ when we realized that the DVD player wouldn’t work
either…”
Instead, recall opponents did win some votes by making political speeches
regarding how wonderful power blackouts could be. Politicians noted how
there was less crime than usual on November 9, 1965, and nine months later
there was a population explosion. Instead of signing petitions for the
recall, voters instead went into a deep sleep on the concrete floor.
Clinton said he was exhausted by the energy wasted by the Bush administration
in its “war on terror,” its tax cuts for the rich, and the
air conditioning at the Crawford Ranch where Bush spends the summer hiding.
“It’s a sad day when it takes the energy of six states and
two provinces to turn on a single light bulb in New York,” Clinton
said from the new Playboy Mansion in Harlem.
Bush replied that the California and New York recalls were a “wake-up
call” for the nation, especially the new protectorate of Iraq. Noting
that some lights were still out in parts of Iraq, he said the US would
spare no expense to get the lights back on in Iraq.
Even, Bush says, if getting the electricity generated means re-appropriating
nuclear power plants in Iran or running up a still larger deficit in Washington,
DC. “We want no Iraqi grid left behind,” Bush said. “If
necessary we’ll declare war on Canada too,” Bush noted.
Ohio governor Bob Taft signed an executive order today to outlaw distribution
of petitions in his state.
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