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Rosa Parks Get Front Row Seat to Terrorist Prison

Taking Liberties

Bill Clinton & Bob Dole Face Off for 60 Minutes

Just as US troops swooped in to bring the fruits of Operation Iraqi Freedom to Baghdad, SWAT teams and FBI Special Forces stormed the Detroit area home of Rosa Parks. John Ashcroft's Patriot Act II — passed amidst the cover of a media blackout for the war — had now declared anyone who interfered with a government operation or the flow of traffic or commerce a certified domestic terrorist.

There was no statue of limitations for the act, as the FBI had already demonstrated by the barbed wire and military tanks that sealed off the Monticello, Virginia estate of Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson faced only a posthumous seizing of his estate, while Parks — still breathing — faced spending the rest of her life in prison for her resistance to authority on a Montgomery, Alabama bus in 1955. “People should learn that there are consequences to their actions, “boasted US Attorney General John Ashcroft.”

The new law was inspired by an Oregon legislator troubled by anti-war demonstrators who blocked the nightly egress of tired workers heading from downtown Portland to their suburban mansions in Lake Oswego. “I’d rather suffer the mortification of seeing Dignity Village (a homeless compound) from a Tri-Met(Portland’s Mass Transit agency) window than see these nattering nabobs of negativisms impeding my precious vehicular passage,” says Bartholomew Clearcutt, a Portland lumber executive.

While Oregon’s remaining scattering of liberals managed to terrorize the state legislature into tabling the legislation, the law caught the attention of Ashcroft who had been preoccupied draping a curtain around a naked image of the Virgin Mary on a halibut caught by an old fisherman in a village near Laredo, Texas.

Ashcroft recalled that it was the Son of Bush who had made it clear that “there should be limits to freedom.” He thought about what a wonderful world it would be if the liberal advances of the 60’s could be overcome. If it hadn’t been for Rosa Parks, there would be a job for every American who wanted one and could show the proper experience and skin color. If it hadn’t been for Rosa Parks there wouldn’t have to be suburbs like Lake Oswego where whites could escape. If it hadn’t been for Rosa Parks there would be a lot more water fountains where a man could replenish his precious bodily fluids.

The 50’s was such a pleasant decade where the Cotillions provided men with ladies who would never be caught dead in a burning bra or an Iraqi POW camp. In the 50’s men were proud to wear the uniform of cone-shaped hats and burning crosses instead of the rag-tag insignias of earth-toned environmentalists. In the 50’s there were no grays of terrorism, everything was truly black and white.

The capture of Parks and the burning of her simple home in the suburbs sent a message to prospective terrorists that Ashcroft was serious about declaring war on those with insidious thoughts that might lead them to be domestic terrorists such as joining the Democratic or Green parties. “Let me assure you that if you fail to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and George W. Bush as your all-knowing prophet, you will join this coalition of the unwilling into the fire and brimstone. “

Authorities in Washington say it’s no accident that the Attorney General expanded his anti-terrorist operations from the political to religious infidels. Ashcroft took action against Pay Pal, Inc. this week after the San Francisco-based E-Bay subsidiary — which supplies financial services for online transactions — accepted payments for gambling operations. In his best George W. Bush form, Ashcroft has sent out a stern warning to Hugh Heffner — whom he labeled the “Anti-Christ” — to “leave Baghdad within 48 hours. When informed that Heffner resided in Los Angeles not Baghdad, Ashcroft answered “It’s a good thing our tanks have much better geo-positioning systems.”

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