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Will the Duel Follow? Saddam-Bush Debate Gets Physical, Not Substantial |
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Dan Rather: Good evening to our two debaters. I want to thank you on behalf of CBS News for interrupting your busy schedule for this face-to-face debate tonight. Dubya: Doesn't my face count for anything? Saddam is a no-good, two-faced liar all by himself…." Saddam: You see, this is what it's like living with this guy. I pity poor Laura Bush, having to put up with this Connecticut Yankee in a cowboy suit. Just like me, she's probably wondering 'where's the beef?' Dan Rather: Could we get to some issues? Saddam: Hey cowboy, is that a weapon of mass destruction in your pocket, or are those just nervous rashes? Dubya: Look at this Mr. Blix, I found more chemical weapons in my first hour here than you did in the last three months…. Saddam: Relax, you Americans and your technology couldn't tell a poison ivy field if it bit you in the …. Dubya: Be careful, or I'll let Rumsfeld out and you'll feel it where the sun don't shine…" Dan Rather: Gentlemen, please… can we get serious? Dubya: I'd like to ask Mr. Hussein to tell the world what he did with his weapons of mass destruction. Saddam: I buried them in the Social Security lockbox that Al Gore left at the White House. That way, you'd never find them. Dubya: Ha, you're lying. I already found Gore's lockbox. How do you think I managed to send 200,000 of my fellow Americans to surround your country? Saddam: Well, maybe I hid them in the Enron building, after the local power company turned off their electricity. Dubya: Kenny Boy would have told me about that, and we just played golf a week ago. Saddam: Speaking of weapons of mass destruction, when will you Americans stop polluting our cable television with all this crap about "bachelors" or "millionaires" or forgotten celebrities who eat bugs while throwing themselves into a stack of pancakes? I myself would rather prefer to watch "Countdown to War," because the star of that show is so much better looking." Dubya: "I've seen North Korean missile silos that are better looking than you." Saddam: There you go again! I'd much rather talk to President Bartlett from the West Wing. At least we can communicate, and he actually has a conscience. Dubya: President Bartlett is from New Hampshire, what the hell does he know about oil? Dan Rather: Gentlemen, I must warn you that you've exhausted all your time for one-to-one discussion. I will ask you each a single question to wind up tonight's debate. First, Mr. Hussein, you have been the most vocal voice for peace this side of France - especially in these minutes since the debate began. If you suddenly discovered, however, that your wife was maliciously and mercilessly beaten to death, would this change your stand for peace? Saddam: Which wife? Dan Rather: It doesn't matter; it's a rhetorical question… Saddam: Actually, as much as the old lady has been bothering me lately …take out the garbage, come home before 2 AM, can't we go into exile somewhere where they have fancy stores, like Houston, Texas… I may off her myself. But, I'd much rather off her with a humane lethal injection -the kind that Dubya likes -than get blood all over my expensive living room furniture. Dan Rather: Mr. Bush, it's time for your question. Imagine you are Saddam Hussein, you've spent years building up a reputation as strong man, you capture the imagination of the people around them, and those whose imagination you don't capture, you off with prejudice….bada bing, bada bang. Why should the feds spend all this money to come in and knock you off? Dubya: Listen Dan, I know Tony Soprano. Tony Soprano is a friend of mine. But Mr. Hussein here - he's no Tony Soprano! Saddam: Why you ignorant slut (raises gun into air and starts blasting) you're even more worthless than your daddy!
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