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Let the Bloodsports Begin! Are We Having War Yet? |
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Baghdad — Jim: Good
Evening to War fans everywhere! Tonight, welcome to Baghdad as the World
Federation of Bloodsports presents “Smackdown II” the sequel
to the 1991 Blockbuster, that saw these same two teams go “man
to man. Bob: That’s true, Jim, but our current Bush league
representative has no real combat experience, unless you count a questionable
record
in
the Texas Air National Guard.
Jim: You’re right Bob, but young
Dubya brings with him the same genes that wrestled Saddam to the ground
with his weapons of mass destruction
exposed back in 1991. Dubya might not have his father’s combat
history, but he has a strong record of execution during his training
in the Texas statehouse.” Bob: That’s very true, Jim, but
don’t look for
Kofi Annan to make any last-minute phone calls to the Execution Chamber.
That became clear
when the UN Secretary General sent Mr. Blix on a weapons inspection tour
in Northern Idaho. That made French fans here very angry, not to mention
members of the National Rifle Association. Jim: I think both camps are ready for
the real battle to get underway. Mr. Bush has been quoted quite frequently
that he is getting ’sick
and tired,’ of all the preparations that have been going on for
this event over the last several months.” Bob: Both camps have been setting up
for the moment we’re waiting for
tonight, as we watch the CNN cameras being set up in the “Infidel” suite
at the Baghdad Hilton. Other cable networks are also getting into place,
as the Fox cameras are firmly entrenched to our extreme right….
Is that Geraldo I see getting a last-minute manicure next to the rocket
launcher with the Fox News logo? Jim: That’s right, Bob. Right
down here in the middle, is MSNBC’s
Windows on the War XP booth. I see MSNBC has spared none of Bill Gates’ money
in bringing Phil Donahue to the scene complete with a studio audience. Bob: Looking at the CNN monitor, I see
Russian President Vladimir Putin making last minute approaches to both
sides, as he is apparently attempting
to stall any use of chemical weapons until the prevailing winds turn
to the West. You see Putin there offering Saddam a case of vodka for
a theater-full of serin gas. Jim: French President Jacques Chirac
has apparently made his final offer as well. Mr. Bush, however, seems
impenetrable as he tells Chirac in so
many words that he does not need tickets to Euro Disney since his brother
can get him into Disney World in Orlando at a discount. Bob: Jim, this is a sight I thought
I’d never see, but it looks like
the Germans — including Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder — have
handcuffed themselves to the gates of one of Saddam’s palaces,
hoping to block the opposing war machines from going at each other. If
Adolf Hitler could see his German people singing “All We Are Saying
is Give Peace a Chance,” he would roll over in his crematorium. Jim: Bob, I think the UN referees are
finishing off their French baguettes and the egg rolls the Chinese delegation
left for them. The hour may
be at hand. Since the US is the visiting country, the Iraqi Naval Band
will be playing the Star Spangled Banner first, before the Iraqi national
anthem. Can you make out that dark form behind the bandstand with a button
in his hand? Bob: I think that’s North Korean
President Kim Jong Il, Jim. The Asian continent as you know is the home
of some of the greatest fireworks displays
in the world, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the North Koreans
want to preview some of their own firepower here tonight. Jim: Bob, there’s another dark
figure trying frantically to wave at the CNN cameras, but he seems to
be totally ignored. He is yelling at
CNN’s Christine Amanpour to “put on her burqa. “ Bob: Jim, if I’m not mistaken,
that sounds a lot like Osama bin Laden, at least it reminds me of the
voice I heard on those two tapes last week.
Osama seems to be the forgotten man in all of this, and quite frankly
I think he’s getting tired of it. He and North Korean President
Kim share great frustration and I wouldn’t be surprised if the
two of them get together and fly off in one of those bombers that is
warming up in the No-Fly Zone. Jim: Well, Bob I think the drama is definitely building up as we head for the official lighting of the Kuwait oil fields and the opening of hostilities. We’ll be back for more action and the official opening ceremonies after this word from the Economist General . Remember the Economist General warns that tax cuts, combat, and deficit spending are hazardous to your re-election. If you have any questions, Dubya… ask your father.
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Television
is full of reality shows these days, it's not surprising the networks
are developing this ultimate sports reality show.