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A Spoon Full of Dem Tradition Makes the Victory Go Down |
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Amidst the Green Mountains of Vermont, in a twenty-first century laboratory
buried deep underneath the ground, a celebration was in progress. Here,
just minutes from the Governor's Mansion in Montpelier, representatives
of England's Manchester Guardian would get an exclusive on a formula
for a new solid red pill that would inject new vigor into the Democratic
Party. "This pill will redefine the virility of the Democratic Party
the way Viagra redefined virility for men," said Dr. Howard Dean,
the former Vermont governor and lead physician in the research and development
of the new medicine. |
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| The medicine will assist
the Democrat in instant recall of the role of the loyal opposition. The
story of the "Emperor with No Clothes" will repeatedly play through
the Democratic mind, reminding the Democrat that in the case of many Republicans,
any movement in the limited cerebral area of the brain generates another
kind of movement in a lower part of the body. Clinical trials have proven that the new pill holds great promise for the future of the Democratic Party. Participants in the trials, such as former House Speaker Richard Gephardt, for instance, formed a plan for a national health care plan within weeks of entering the program. Previously, the Speaker's innovations were limited to resolutions praising motherhood, apple pie and the St. Louis Cardinals. Democratic members of Congress who participated in the trials have been successful in blocking George W. Bush's judicial appointments including the proposed appointment of Attorney General John Ashcroft to the US Supreme Court. In hearings, Ashcroft says he is very much in favor of the Attorney General having the "right to life" — deciding who should live and who shall die. In the first remote clinical trial of the pill, Democrats in the Texas legislature took the medicine and staged a shutdown of the process to oppose a redistricting plan in that state pushed by the "Exterminator" Tom Delay. Still, there are some "Democrats" who don't respond well to the medication. "We approached very unsafe levels of the medication with Sen. Liebermann, Dean says. "Despite our efforts, the best Joe could do was to admit that he ran on the same ticket with Al Gore three years ago. That would have been progress — except he apologized to George W. Bush for doing that," Dean said regrettably. Another faction in the Democratic Party, the Democratic Leadership Council, has denounced Dean's efforts as an "elitist" plot. "The American people are tired of 'New Deal' Democrats who constantly hand out entitlements such as freeway overpasses, machine-gun-free zones and comfortable prison cells, while real Americans are forced to put their yachts in moorage and fire their maids," a DLC spokesman said. "We have to figure out what the Republicans are doing right, and learn from that! Dean says he believes in the product that he has been working on for more than a decade. "Yes, we've had some disappointments," he says. "The worst was the loss of our first clinical trial participant. I believe had Senator Wellstone lived, we would have an energetic, dedicated political force that drives America to an unprecedented satisfaction that it hasn't approached since Harry Truman." Already, Dean has emerged from the pool of also-ran Democratic presidential candidates into a momentum gaining force destined to bring the Vermont Yankee into the Oval Office courtside. The former governor admits that he has tasted the medication through the development process. "It was a matter of 'physician heal thyself,' " Dean said."That little red pill will guarantee that every state short of Utah and Idaho will light up red on election night 2004. Hell, maybe a couple of tea spoons of honey will sweeten those states as well!" |
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