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A Letter from Kennebunkport

Mr. Speaker, members of the 108th Congress, distinguished Justices of the Supreme Court and members of my Cabinet:

The state of the union is great! The red ink is disappearing, our budget is balanced, and we have nearly full employment! And I didn’t have sex with that woman!

Ooops, sorry about that, someone put the wrong speech into the teleprompter. ..

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am happy to report that the state of our union is better than ever. We are finally one nation under God and me, and I’ve got all the weapons of mass destruction. If anyone wants to dispute that, let them meet me on the firing range.

Not even the former governor of Illinois can help you there.

In January, 1941, less than a year before that infamous day in December, President Franklin Roosevelt told this body to be prepared to make sacrifices and to protect their liberties. “Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety,” he said.

To this, I say: “Who the hell is Franklin Roosevelt? What team did he play for?”

Right now, the best and brightest men and women we could bribe out of the ghetto are about to face their toughest challenge since my daddy sent them into Panama during the War on Drugs. Unfortunately, a lot of them won’t be able to use the education bonuses we promised them when they signed up.

But this is the beauty of twenty-first century warfare. We taxpayers won’t have to make any sacrifices.

America is ready to make Saddam into something that these kids would say “is so 1990!” We’re going to mount his butt on a silver platter and serve it on a barrel of cheap oil.

I am so tired of tin horn dictators that amass weapons of mass destruction while holding lots of oil reserves. It won’t be long before there will only be one of those dictators in the world and his name rhymes with tush.

Meanwhile, I want to apologize to the North Koreans who have demonstrated advanced skills in developing ‘plutonium” technology. I don’t really understand it all, but someone told me it has something to do with the recent “cloning” craze. It’s amazing how they can split Adams these days.

But I want North Korea to know that I really didn’t use the words “axis of evil” in my speech last year. I mispronounced myself, what I meant to say was “axis of upheaval.” You see my daddy started this tradition of throwing up on foreign dignitaries, and I was trying to think of the three countries where I should avoid throwing up. After all, I can’t see any dividends in throwing up on leadership that’s in the process of “splitting Adams.”

That old Roosevelt guy was throwing up ideas right and left — well mostly left — when he spoke here sixty years ago. He thought the “basic things expected by our people of their political and economic systems are simple.” Like:

• Equality of opportunity for youth and for others.
• Jobs for those who can work.
• Security for those who need it.
• The ending of special privilege for the few.
• The preservation of civil liberties for all.
• The enjoyment of the fruits of scientific progress in a wider and constantly rising standard of living.

Well I can see the stuff about getting jobs, but the rest of the stuff is ridiculous. I was just talking to some of my Skull and Bones buddies at Yale, and all of us were asking “What special privileges do we have? Hell, we can’t even get a parking spot close to the front door like crippled people do…

As for the preservation of civil liberties, my friend John Ashcroft says civil liberties were fine back in the Roosevelt era when we didn’t have anyone threatening our freedom like we do today. I’m sure if that Hitler guy had won he would have shared Germany’s oil supplies with us. If not, we could put him in some enemy combatant camp, until he wised up.

Instead of civil liberties we should be talking about security. I think we need to start putting a barbed wire fence all around the frame of the US, from Lynden, Washington to Miami Beach. We need children to “narc” on their parents; we need to know what America is downloading on the Internet and in the bathroom. We need to make America less like the “naughties” and more like the 50’s. There was a time when Father knew best, and his children wouldn’t even think of drinking liquor without sharing. This was a time when Wedgies and the occasional cross burning represented the worst of America — not to mention an Eddie Haskell or two.

Then there is that other kind of security.

The social kind.

I think America is ready to privatize Social Security. If Social Security is nothing more than a “crapshoot” for younger workers why not let young people invest their social security taxes in federal casinos? It seems to work for the Indians! Besides, building all these casinos will also create thousands of construction jobs!

I don’t think of all of these bold programs by myself, no siree. Fortunately, I have a highly competent, talented staff behind me, and a lot of smoke and mirrors in front of me. Congress must continue to give me that kind of help as I appoint top people to round out my government and judges who can’t give a thought to bias or anything else. I am proud of the historic appointments I’ve added to the federal government. These are appointments that demonstrate our unbroken faith-based priorities. We have selected for you an FDA Commissioner that can ask America “RU for Jesus,” not “RU-486. We have selected judges who trust in the sacred vow of “separate but equal,” and that women should always walk a step behind their husbands. Still, for some unfortunate reason, too many liberal weenies have invoked the fear of Satan into the last Congress, the American people and even our nominees. Just last week we lost the very model of a modern AIDS survivor because of some language problems.

I want to repeat once again that ours is one nation, under God and myself. There is no room here for the unbelievers. If you fear God, he will provide – unless you discover at the midnight hour you can’t score any white powder. If you fear me, perhaps here in America we will at last overcome. We will overcome those pesky details like who won the election in 2000, and who will win (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) in 2004.

But first, we have to overcome that pesky Constitution.

Let’s roll.

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