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| Where the $87 billion is... Swiss Decadence Joins Axis of Evil |
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My fellow God-fearing Americans:
I know some of you are feeling shock and awe. Why would we pick on the seemingly peaceful Confederation Helvetica? Don’t let the typeface disguise fool you. There’s more to it than the French-sounding name. Confederation Helvetica is nothing less than the evil Switzerland where weapons of mass indigestion are stored in the refrigerators of every man, woman and child. There are more automatic weapons stored in this country than at a Colorado gun show. These are evil people wound up as tight as watch spring and fed a steady diet of chocolate and cheese. John Ashcroft’s Justice Department recently discovered
that more than one terrorist organization has taken advantage of the Swiss
government’s banking privacy to hide their ill-gotten treasures
from authorities. I have nothing against private bank accounts used for
a legitimate purpose like Enron and Halliburton corporate accounts and
a place where my daughters can square their bar tabs. Still, the Swiss
offer this privacy to just about anyone — even those who have no
business having money! If that were not enough, Paul Wolfowitz has pointed out to me that Switzerland borders France on a map! They can’t even decide whether to speak French, German or Euros! For years, however, this decadent center of the Axis of Evil has shuttered itself under the guise of neutrality by offering chocolate treasures and a high cholesterol assortment of peace talks. Yet behind these chocolate trifles is a substantial sinister cabal of
bankers that hold billions of dollars — and even more Swiss Francs
— that could solve the world’s needs such as providing more
tax cuts for my friends and rebuilding Iraq and Afghanistan. A week ago, I came before you, the American people with hat in hand, begging you for $87 billion. I truly apologize to those of you who received tax cuts in the last few years if I scared you into thinking that the days of whine and tax cuts are over. I have to admit that while I feared that major begging operations were just beginning, I feared there would be casualties in this war. And where would I be without my captains and pioneers to finance the creation of more butterfly ballots in next year’s election? That’s why I called upon my crack Treasury team — the same team that helped to build the skyrocketing economy we’re experiencing today — to find some alternative way of finding $87 billion and more. By pointing our bunker bombs against the vaults of the Swiss banking empire, I believe these evildoers will be persuaded to turn over a measly $87 billion — or more. Hell, they might even throw in a free watch for doing business with them. Sure, there are those who question how are methods are any different from the methods of a common bank robber. To paraphrase the words of the great Willie Sutton, “I am robbing the Swiss because that’s where the $87 billion is!” I am sure that the American people will support me, once I remind them that NBC once interrupted the final key minutes of a football game in 1968 to show a made-for-TV movie, Heidi, which was about a Swiss goat herder. If that was not the face of evil, I don’t know what is. In fact, I have already received the unqualified support of Senator Joseph Lieberman, a Democratic presidential candidate who says he has never forgiven the Swiss for holding art treasures that Nazis had stolen from German Jews. “We can no longer be neutral about this terrorist state,” Senator Lieberman said. “Our national security and my wife’s craving for chocolate depend upon it.” |
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Someone
even more articulate than I once said “Money is at the root of all
evil.” Tonight, we have moved on to the next chapter of our war
on terror by attacking the root of all money. As I speak, aircraft carriers
are moving into position on Lake Geneva in Switzerland to assure the ultimate
destruction of the Confederation Helvetica. 
What
greater evidence of terrorist sympathy can be demonstrated?